Holy Discontent

I love science. I have always loved science. It was obvious from early on, considering I can remember dissecting a dead blackbird I found in the backyard before I was old enough to use pointy scissors! So, getting a double major in wildlife and fisheries sciences and biology, with a minor in chemistry, probably didn’t surprise anyone.

As a young mother of two, I found myself working as a research technician in the lab of a busy cardiologist—so busy I rarely saw him! Eventually, I would get my PhD in physiology with an emphasis in cardiovascular physiology. I did this with an ulterior motive. It would allow me to have more leadership in the lab, but it would also allow me to earn more even as I continued to work part-time so that I could spend more time with my young kids. Win-win!

Pushing the Boundaries of Innovation

Somewhere along the way, I read an interesting article in the local newspaper. A chemist at my alma mater, South Dakota State University, was working with an exciting photochemical with some really interesting properties. I remember reaching out to him to learn more about their endeavors and was excited to learn that our interests overlapped and our expertise complemented one another. A great partnership ensued that would take my career to places I never dreamed of going.

We were developing a platform technology, meaning that it could be used in many ways—in different fields, for different purposes. It could be used to bond tissues together, bond things to tissues, deliver drugs and tether them in place, and open blocked arteries without using a metal stent. Applications ranged from dermatology to ophthalmology to cardiology and beyond. It was an exciting journey . . . with its pros and cons. It resulted in patents and licenses and generated a lot of interest and much potential. It was also demanding more and more of my time. My resolve to be home more with my family was being tested, more travel was required, and Sundays didn’t seem to be off-limits. As exciting as it was and as much as I loved my team and the technology we were developing, I began to have a gnawing discontent.

Pushing God’s Boundaries

There is a dark side to the medical industry—perhaps to any industry—the part where power and greed overshadow benevolence. The golden rule here was “he who has the gold rules”! It became apparent why some called venture capitalists vulture capitalists—the mighty dollar was king. I saw a great tendency to set aside what would be common decencies or fair practice in other settings, rationalizing that the end justified the means. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “Don’t take it personally; it’s just business.”

As my faith was growing and my eyes were being opened in so many ways, the contrast against this darkness that was emerging as we pursued lucrative markets and jockeyed competitive negotiations was stark. I remember having like six tubes of mascara at one point because I would find myself crying at work and needing to buy more! I remember in this season that, when typing my email, there were so many times where the “t” in my last name was somehow missed, and it came out as K-loser rather than Kloster . . . and there was this nagging feeling that it had a ring of truth. I remember hearing the verse “What does it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose your soul?” over and over in my head—before I really even knew that verse or where it was found in the Bible.

Letting Go

I knew that we were called to be in the world, just not of the world, and part of me wondered if I was being called to bring “this little light of mine” into this dark place. But a greater part of me knew I needed to leave, and my husband agreed. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, and it took me something like three years to do it. But leave, I did. And I had no idea what was next.

Looking back at that gnawing discontent, I have come to see it, perhaps, as a holy discontent.  God seemed to be squeezing from me the very thing I loved. And I was soon to learn that science was only the first of many things he would ask me to release. I was like a little kid who had had their hands in the candy jar. A loving parent asks them to give the candy back, knowing it would make them sick if they ate it all. The child may readily let them take the loose pieces, the ones hanging out the sides. But then there are those last precious pieces that remain in tightly clenched fists. God is a loving Father, and he was gently prying things from my clenched fists. Not to withhold good things from me but to leave me with open hands, ready to receive something even better.

“What good will it be for someone to gain the

whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”

Matthew 16:26a NIV

“For you were once darkness,

but now you are light in the Lord.

Live as children of light.”

Ephesians 5:8 NIV

“Those who live according to the flesh

have their minds set on what the flesh desires; 

but those who live in accordance with the Spirit

have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.”

Romans 8:5 NIV