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Sometimes they call me the science lady or the dinosaur lady. I’m sure they’ve never been to a Bible study quite like mine. I doubt there are many chaplains who talk about dinosaurs and fossils and rock layers! There are many times I question whether it is really important to bring evidence-based teaching to the women in the jail. It seems like I should just bring love and grace! They are in such great need of both. But I constantly need to remind myself of the call God placed on my life to help restore the authority of his Word, to help dispel the myth-like qualities that have been put on the Christian faith—the “Santa Claus effect” as I call it—and to replace them with solid truth and a firm foundation. There are times when I question, and then there are times I am affirmed. On more than one occasion, it became clear that a little hard evidence could make all the difference. Dinosaurs in the dungeon (a little evidence behind bars) could dispel darkness after all! “It Would Mean Everything!” On one occasion, several women had decided to come see what the dinosaur lady had to say. This time, I believe we were addressing the reliability of the New Testament—the fact that there are nearly 25,000 manuscripts, found as early as within 40 years of Jesus’ death (well within the eyewitness period), found in abundance in every century since, and copied with 99.8% accuracy all the way up to the time of the printing press. Not too shabby, eh?! It’s the best manuscript evidence for any writing of antiquity—BY FAR!—and with archaeological evidence to back it up. So, it was in the aftermath of bar graphs and a nearly cold-case style investigation of the evidence for the authenticity of the New Testament that I posed a simple question: “If we can trust the Bible and God’s promises, how would your life be different?” It was then I heard a nearly inaudible response from the woman who had been sitting quietly to my left the whole time. With tears rolling down her cheeks, she said, “It would mean everything! I would need to start living my life for him. I would need to be sure my kiddos knew about God.” It was one of the most honest confessions of faith—and its implications—that I had ever heard. She went on to share that in the absence of a responsible mother in her life, her grandmother had been the one to take her to church. When she lost her grandma at the age of nine, she started to question God and slide away from the faith. It was an inexorable descent to the place she currently found herself—incarcerated, separated from her own children, unwittingly following in the steps of a mother she had not intended to emulate. I asked if it was that she had become angry with God or if it was just that she no longer had a spiritual leader in her life. She felt it was likely a combination of both. But on that day, in the aftermath of bar graphs and a cold-case style investigation, she inadvertently discovered what I had desired to bring in the first place—love and grace! She discovered she could believe in God and she could trust his Word. She discovered that the promises found there were for her and for her children. That they themselves could become children of God and heirs to his kingdom. That day, I was A-OK with being “the dinosaur lady”! May we continue to proclaim the truth boldly—in love! The Revolving Door As I continued to go into the jail, I began to realize a sad truth. These sliding doors were also revolving doors. The gals would come in, and they would go out . . . and they would come back in again. As it turns out, sanctification often comes slowly. For many and varied reasons, I would see familiar faces returning to our weekly study. Even as I found myself beginning to judge them, I had to take an honest inventory of my own faith journey. How many times did I slip back into old habits, old ways? In fact, I had one foot on the slippery slope in that moment, thinking somehow that I was better than them. Even Paul himself bemoaned, “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19 NIV). Sanctification often does, indeed, come slowly. It was just easier to point fingers at them since my sins of judgment and self-righteousness didn’t put me behind bars. Facts & Evidence On another occasion, there was a woman I had met some months before. She had been attending weekly and growing in her faith prior to her release. Yet on the outside, she had slipped down the slope and back through that revolving door. So, she was back in the jail—but also back in the Bible! She wanted to share with the group what it had meant for her to come to know about Jesus and the Bible. She said that, growing up, her favorite teacher had been a science teacher. “She got me,” she shared. “She said that she didn’t believe there was a god because she was a scientist and she needed facts, evidence. And so, I stopped believing.” But then she went on to share how she had wound up in the jail and at my Bible study. She could hardly believe it! Here, in a Bible study, was a lady that was a scientist who was providing facts and evidence! Little by little, the evidence won her back to trusting and believing that there is, indeed, a God. And even though she had slipped off track and found herself in jail again, she also found it a time to refocus on God and his will for her life. Beyond what the facts and evidence could reveal, she had discovered so much more about faith. She had found a joy that transcended her circumstances. She had such a desire to share Jesus with others. She was praying for her siblings. She was sharing with her cellmates. She had her hope restored. We are all on our own journey of faith. Our sins may look different, but we all still have much to learn. We trust the good Lord to complete the good work he has begun in her . . . and in us! “So he reasoned in the synagogue with both Jews and God-fearing Greeks, as well as in the marketplace day by day with those who happened to be there.” Acts 17:17 NIV “Tell it to your children, and let your children tell it to their children, and their children to the next generation.” Joel 1:3 NIV “As was his custom, Paul went into the synagogue, and on three Sabbath days he reasoned with them from the Scriptures,” Acts 17:2 NIV “Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” Acts 17:11 NIV “…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6b NIV

Our family has a tradition of camping at Snake Creek campground by Platte, SD, over Memorial Day weekend. Since our kids were young, we have met some friends there and made many great memories fishing, playing at the beach, and sitting around the campfire. Even as our kids grew up and my daughter started a family of her own, we continued the tradition, with the grandkids enjoying the same things our kids loved so much. It was no different on this particular Memorial Day weekend, except that my daughter and I had a bridal shower to attend on Saturday morning. We would drive back to Sioux Falls and return later that afternoon. That meant we left three grown men in charge of three little men. Three very busy little men. Our youngest grandson was just a wobbly toddler, but still got around amazingly quick and always seemed to find any source of potential danger—and a campsite is filled with them! The dangers were real and abundant, from hot ashes and fire pokers to thistles and jagged rocks to the nearby river itself. My parting words to my grown son were, “I don’t care if he has been fed or changed or had his nap . . . just keep him alive!” Upon our return, they were indeed all still alive. But according to my son, there had been some hairy moments! At one point, he had just plunked the toddler in the little high chair that clamped to the bench of the picnic table and strapped him in. The toddler was none too happy and was quick to let them know. Most of the campground, in fact, likely knew of his disapproval of his incarceration. He shouted and cried and banged on the high chair tray. My son told me, “I didn’t even care if he was mad at me; at least he was safe!” As I continued my ministry to the women in the county jail, they sometimes seemed a bit like my youngest grandson. They were quick to let me know how much they hated their current situation—the perceived denial of their rights, their loss of freedom, and how slow the wheels of justice seemed to move. They got mad, they cried, and they banged the table. But at least they were safe! It occurred to me that, just as my son had scooped my grandson up out of impending danger and strapped him safely in that high chair, a loving God had scooped these women up and put them someplace safe. Safe from themselves and their addictions, safe from traffickers and the abuse of others. Not where they might want to be . . . but at least they were safe. I can’t tell you how many times I have made that analogy to these women. And most of the time, they get it. It was like a holy time-out. What may not seem “nice” may be the most loving thing that could have happened to them. Just as my son had watched that little man run around, narrowly averting disaster time and again, God watches his children run around, narrowly averting disaster. And, unlike my son, God knows what lies ahead! I couldn’t help but wonder how often a timely arrest and necessary (if undesired) incarceration kept these women from something even more disastrous that had been awaiting them just around the corner. It was an analogy that made them stop and think. It changed their perspective—from one of discontent and anger to gratitude and relief. But, most importantly, it made them think about God differently. Maybe what seemed like punishment could actually be love? For many, the thought of God as a loving Father was hard to grasp. It wasn’t a concept they were familiar with. Many of them didn’t really even know their human fathers. Healthy, corrective discipline was often foreign to them. But the ones willing to surrender their “rights” to their Father were the ones in which I was blessed to see the transformation. With a newfound maturity, they stopped being so angry; there weren’t as many tears or clenched fists pounding the table. Rather, they found acceptance for their current situation and, oddly enough, peace, patience, and even joy! I just pray that I can remember my own preaching when I find myself crying and pounding my fists on the table! God is a good Father, indeed. May I never forget it. “Now the LORD provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” Jonah 1:17 NIV “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2–3 NIV “Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.” Job 5:17 NIV “The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:7–8 NIV

One day at the jail, we neared the end of our time together and I asked for their prayer requests. Several spoke up and then one woman asked that we pray for her roommate. She wanted to pray for her because her roommate had kept her up all night with her crying . . . about a boyfriend. I could sense a bit of disgust in her voice as she gave the reason for all those tears, but it was her next comment that really struck me. She said, “I vowed a long time ago to never cry over a man again.” Every man in her life had done her wrong—abandoned her, used her, beat her . . . My heart just broke. I was realizing that so many of these women had no idea what a godly man looked like; what a healthy marriage looked like. I gently assured her that there were men worth risking love on, that there were indeed godly men who would lead and provide and love and cherish. In a world that has been trying to tear down the role of men, of husbands, we are bombarded with images of weak men and browbeating women. Sitcoms, commercials, everywhere you turn, the woman has to help the man survive. She is smart and strong and has it all together, he is an inept oaf! It may have started as a means for feminism and women’s rights to be entrenched in our society—and it seems to have been pretty effective—but I don't believe it's done us any favors. As a culture, we have certainly not been encouraging men to step into the role God would have for them. I went home to my amazing husband more grateful than ever for who he is—how he leads our family and lives his life, the husband he is to me, the father he is to our children . . . I am certainly blessed. While far from perfect, I pray that our marriage can be a witness to a watching world of the beauty and balance that God intended between men and women, united as one in the covenant of marriage, for life. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Ephesians 5:25 NIV “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22 NIV “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8 NIV

As I was doing ministry in the jail, a woman came to my study one Wednesday afternoon and started giving the evidence for the lesson—before I could give it! It turned out she had been in jail some months before and had heard the very same lesson. She said she had actually been sharing it with people on the outside, using it to defend the Bible . . . but she was an atheist! An evangelistic atheist! An unbelieving apologist! She said that part of why she turned herself in on a warrant was because this was the only place she ever heard anyone give actual evidence for the truth of the Bible. When I asked what kept her from believing in God, her answer sucked the breath from me. With tears forming in her eyes, she said, “I have not been a virgin since I was two years old. Every man in my life has used me and abused me. If there is a God in heaven who would forgive those men . . . I would rather burn in hell.” There was hardly a dry eye in the room. It was no longer time to talk about the geological evidence of the pre-flood world—it was time to talk about forgiveness. Wisdom that was not from me began to flow from my mouth. Reassurance that forgiveness was not just for the offenders, but for her. It was a gift that could free her heart from the anger and bitterness that had consumed her and dictated her choices for years—for her entire life. Verses came to mind, words of comfort and encouragement. It was one of those strange moments in which I knew the power of the Holy Spirit just flowed through me to be a blessing to someone else—to a room full of broken and hurting women in desperate need of forgiveness and hope. She didn’t come the following week. I didn’t know if she had been released, or if she was still wrestling with God. I just had to turn it over to him. Sometime later, she was back in jail and returned to Bible study, where I was sharing the same lesson again—it’s not that I had done it that many times, either! She just had to laugh because what were the odds? But this time, she started coming regularly. She did laundry at night and slept during the day, but she had someone wake her up so she wouldn’t miss Bible study. She loved the evidence, and God was getting her heart! She was hungering for the Word, reading her Bible all the time, and drawing others in the block into the study with her. God was at work! This woman continued to come and often was the one in the group to share how God had truly changed her heart. She would share that she had been an atheist not that long ago, and now she found she couldn’t put the Bible down—and beyond that, she had as many as 16 women gathering with her as she studied her Bible out in the block. Broken, hurting women—eager to learn with her! One day she brought another gal to our study. This woman was clearly not a believer, and it appeared she came only on the promise of “evidence.” She listened with great interest throughout our time together. The next time I came, she started bubbling about how the evidence I shared had gotten her to open a Bible for the first time. God’s Word pulled her in, and now she simply couldn’t get enough. Moreover, both of these women were now sharing how God had transformed them—and others were testifying to the changes they could see in these women. A few weeks later, the first woman was released, but the second continued to literally run to Bible study, and others would just laugh at her eagerness! This time she brought a friend of her own, one who had been raised in the church but had become disillusioned and fallen away from the faith—angry with God. In that study, you could see God working in this third woman’s heart. As I later reflected on this remarkable chain of events, I saw clearly how the early church could have started and spread so quickly. As these women were given a firm foundation to place their trust and faith, they began to devour the Word. That, in turn, was transforming them in a simply contagious way. These women didn’t have to be told to disciple; their changed lives spoke volumes, and they simply couldn’t help but share all that they had seen and heard. I think that looks a little like the early church we read about in Acts! Praise God! His truth simply does not return void. “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” 1 Peter 3:15 NIV “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31–32 NIV “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony.” John 4:39 NIV “Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him.” John 11:45 NIV

As I go into the jail to proclaim the gospel with evidence, I never know who will choose to come to Bible study—or why. One day, a woman shared with me why she had decided to come. Although her mom had been raised in the church, they hadn’t been taken as kids because her mom didn’t want to “force her beliefs on them.” So, while not raised as a Christian, she was aware of “them” and it seemed to her in her daily encounters with people that at times she was quite certain she could identify them. There was something different . . . it seemed there was a glow about them. She and her boyfriend came to call them “shiny faces.” Upon leaving a gas station, for example, she might turn to him and say, “She was a ‘shiny face,’ wasn’t she!” It was as if there was a light from within . . . The difference was undeniable, and always desirable. I am uncertain of the circumstances that brought her to the jail, but once there she received a Life Recovery Bible. As she opened the cover to check it out, a verse at the bottom of the very first page caught her eye. It was Psalm 34:5: “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” She had been right! They were “shiny faces”! This simple connection between what the Bible says and what she saw in the world was an important part of her newfound spark of faith. It was a joy to watch her seek truth and grow in her faith as she made more connections between what the Bible says and the evidence we see in the world. As I thought about her testimony, I found her observations were convicting in some ways. I couldn’t help but wonder . . . was I a “shiny face”? How many people who claim to be Christians shine in this dark world? Maybe it’s time to ask . . . are you a “shiny face”? S.H.I.N.E. Soaking in His Illumination Now and for Eternity “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:5 NIV "Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."" John 8:12 “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16 NIV “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light…” Ephesians 5:8 NIV

In eastern South Dakota, we have a whole lot of holes—prairie potholes, they call them. They are not really holes, just little, shallow wetlands here, there, and everywhere—catching and storing up the rain that falls onto the vast, flat prairie. While they are beautiful in their own way—abounding with cattails, pocked with muskrat homes, and graced with ducks and divers—they aren’t a place you would go for a refreshing dip. The water that collects there has nowhere to go. It remains as long as the scorching summer sun allows, concentrating as evaporation steals the water away, and only occasionally being replenished by the spring thaw or an occasional thunderstorm. The water is murky, the algae is abundant, duckweed lies on top of the still water like icing on a cake. The cattails live and die, falling over into the stagnant water. The muskrats, ducks, and divers leave behind what animals leave behind. The organic debris accumulates on the floor of the slough and begins to decay. The waders of a hunter sink deep into what is probably many seasons worth of death and decay which sucks at their feet and clings to their boots. Once disrupted, the characteristic sulfur smell—like that of rotting eggs—wafts up to offend the disrupter. On the western side of the state, you will find the Black Hills—apparently not really big enough to be called mountains, but with far more altitude than the glacier-swept eastern half of the state. In the valleys between the craggy hillsides, you will often find a babbling brook. A rainstorm will send water rushing down the hillsides, gravity calling it all to the valley below. For a time, the streams become engorged—water rushing, sweeping debris downstream to some unknown collection point—only to recede once again to a babbling brook. Left behind is crystal clear water where you can see the clear definition of every rock and pebble and little fish darting from one hiding place to the next. Sometimes, there is a waterfall that cascades from an outcropping high above. One is aptly named Bridal Veil Falls—which fans slightly over the course of its long descent, like the draping of a bride’s veil. As you come upon a waterfall, you often hear it before you see it. A dull roar whose volume grows louder as you near the falls. Then, as you draw nearer yet, there is a distinct freshness to the air. As though the air itself has been swept clear of debris by the rushing waters. A fine mist rises from the crashing waters, clears the dust, and dances in the sunlight like tiny little crystals. A beauty to behold. I have thought about the differences of these two scenes, and it occurred to me that it is much like our spiritual walk. As a Christian, we often soak up God’s Word like a sponge. Like the prairie pothole, we can gather all kinds of knowledge at church, Bible studies, conferences. Much like the catch basins in the prairie, though—without letting it flow through us to others, it can become stagnant. As we allow the Holy Spirit to not only dwell in us, but flow through us, we take on the freshness of the cascading waterfall and babbling brook. The dirt and debris are washed away. Things become clearer. There is new life! The Bible speaks of living water. Let us be that! Let the Spirit flow through us bringing new life—not only to us but to those around us. “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” Jeremiah 2:13 NIV “Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” John 7:38 NIV “Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13–14 NIV

A friend introduced me to an online devotional. In our prayer time together each morning, we would often start by reading the message for that day. It was clear that the devotionals were written by and for people who had come from hard places. I noticed how much encouragement there was and how often the devotional reminded the readers that they were worthy and loved. It spoke against the shame and the lie that they would never be good enough. It was interesting because, at this very same time, God had been working on me to remind me that I wasn’t “good enough”—without him. That I wasn’t worthy—but Christ died for me anyway. And it was only through God’s grace that I would be saved. The contrast became increasingly obvious to me, and I had to stop and think about what God was teaching me. After wrestling with it, I have come to call it The Pit and The Pedestal. So many of the women I walk with have never been loved or encouraged the way they should have been. They have experienced and done things that bring shame and, in their thinking, an impenetrable wall of separation between them and God. They live in The Pit and feel as though God would never want anything to do with “someone like them.” In my life, I have always felt loved and encouraged, and I have been a “good girl.” So, I’m afraid that, in some ways, I had come to believe that I was somehow “good enough.” Surely, someone as good as me would get into heaven! Without realizing it, I had put myself up on a pedestal. And from my lofty heights, it was easy to look down on others. What God showed me in this season was that we are all separated from God. From the depths of The Pit or the lofty heights of The Pedestal, there is a great divide called sin. While some may struggle with sins of commission—things they do that are wrong in the eyes of God, I struggled just as much with sins of omission—things I failed to do, things that God clearly asks of us. They may go to jail for their sins. I may get a promotion or accolades from my peers. Both make us fall short of the glory of God. The scary thing is that we live in a society that actually encourages and promotes a lifestyle that keeps us from fully surrendering to God—chasing after achievements and clinging to comforts. Sometimes I found myself a little jealous of their need for God, their desire for God, their passion for God. I watched as God gently lifted these women from The Pit. He spoke words of love and encouragement to them. He made them feel worthy of true love. I watched women realize that they deserved to be treated well—to be loved and cherished. That they could be, and were, loved by God himself! I watched shame fall from them like old rags as they put on their new robe of Christ’s righteousness. God’s love gave them new life! They were children of God—daughters of the King. They had to give up their old identity to receive this new one. On the other hand, I had to be taken out at the knees a little bit. God had been stripping the things in which I wrongly placed my identity. It was not my intelligence, career, title, accomplishments, or even acts of service that made me worthy—it was Christ alone. I had to give up one thing after the other, surrendering until I came to the point of realizing that I could never do this on my own. I had to be brought down. I had to be humbled. And I received new life! I was a was a sinner in need of a savior. I had to realize that before I could ever receive my new identity. Scripture suddenly came to life. Verses I memorized and had always known—but not really known—jumped out at me. The concept of The Pit and The Pedestal was nothing new. I just finally got it. The Bible speaks over and over about this very thing. He will bring down the mighty and exalt the humble. He opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Our pride will bring us low, but the lowly will obtain honor. And it leveled the playing field. They were raised up and I was brought low, and we walked side-by-side, together, in Christ. “I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:10 NIV “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12 NIV “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6 NIV “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.” Proverbs 29:23 NIV

When I was in high school, I was a “good” girl. I didn’t drink, didn’t smoke. I made good grades and obeyed my parents. I had a lot of friends, but I wasn’t always invited to things. I specifically remember the time when I had asked my best friend to spend the night. She told me her mom had said no. And that was all fine and dandy . . . until I found out that she had lied to me. She didn’t want to sleep over because she had gone to a party. And I was not invited. Even at the time, I knew I wouldn’t have gone to that party. But it still hurt to be excluded and lied to. Funny, isn’t it? That we bemoan the fact that we weren’t asked to do something we know very well we would never do anyway? Things haven’t changed much. There are gatherings and events that I am conspicuously not invited to. And they are often things I wouldn't choose to go to anyway . . . but it still hurts. My mind starts to wonder, why am I not invited? Am I too preachy? Too religious? Too “good”? Am I not nice? Not fun? Not “cool”? I realize that sometimes people know I wouldn’t like the drinking, or some of the joking or conversations . . . I know that sometimes they know we may not be able to afford it—or choose to spend our money that way . . . I do want to be careful to not dismiss the first questions too quickly. I can push the God thing hard. Maybe too hard. Or not . . .? And I still struggle with being judgmental, for sure. Funny thing is, my judgement has swung from those who keep doing things they shouldn’t do . . . to those who aren’t doing the things they should. Bottom line is that if I am not being kind or loving, I am not representing Christ well. It’s such a balance—being “nice” and “fun” and standing for truth and God’s will. “Nice” and “fun” can have very different meanings to different people. I am reminded, we are to be in the world, but not of the world. I resolve to be as kind and loving as I can be when I am invited. Lord, please convict me if I need to change my ways. But if it’s something they wouldn’t invite you to, I guess it’s okay if I am not invited. “Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.” Luke 6:22 NIV “I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world.” John 17:14 NIV “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2a NIV

Once again, I would learn that it isn’t how many come, but who comes—and there are no mistakes in who attends. My time was not any better spent when many chose to attend than when only a few would come out. Indeed, sometimes the most powerful times were when there are only a few of us. Such was the day when only two women came out when they opened the sliders of C-block. Mary had already been to the study a number of times, so I wasn’t surprised to see her. I was surprised, however, at what happened within minutes of getting started. Mary began to talk . . . and talk, and talk. It was like someone shook a bottle of soda pop and popped the top! Years of grief, frustration, and hopelessness that had been bottled up erupted like a volcano. Amidst tears and sobs, I learned the sad story of a little girl who had never known a family, grew up in institutions, was diagnosed with every disorder and labeled with every acronym known to the psychiatric field, was on more medications than a person battling cancer, and as an adult had spent the vast majority of her life in residential treatment or incarceration. I had been getting small doses of these women’s realities over the prior weeks—this was a crash course and a wide-open window into a world I had never seen or known. Before I could even move to console Mary, the other gal began to talk . . . and talk, and talk. Emboldened by Mary’s vulnerability, she too began to share deeply. She had moved off the reservation in hopes of finding a better life. Those hopes seemed dashed as she found herself back in jail, again. “You don’t think I want what you white ladies have? A house of my own, a man who comes home every night, a family that sits around the table and eats together? I moved to Sioux Falls, hoping to get away from the influence of people that aren’t good for me. I got a job, got a place. My family . . . they started calling me an apple.” In response to my confused look, she clarified, “Red on the outside, white on the inside.” The pull had been too much, and she sunk back into the mire she had tried so hard to escape. Like a zebra in quicksand, it seemed that the harder she tried, the deeper she sank. My mind was reeling, and my heart hurt. So much raw exposure, emotion, and hardship. I didn’t have the words to say; I didn’t know how to fix them or make it all better. To be honest, I don’t know what I said in return to their raw vulnerability. But I know it changed me. I got a crash course in depravity, fallenness, and despair. I remember feeling gratitude for things I had always taken for granted: a family, a home, and an amazing husband. I remember thinking, too late to share with them, that what she wanted wasn’t “white”—it was right. It was godly. And I remember being so sad that her family had robbed her of that. It was one of the first times I experienced (or at least recognized) how people tend to want to drag people down to their level. Misery does indeed love company. I hope I offered some encouraging words. I hope I offered some hope. I hope I prayed with them. I hope they felt heard—and loved. I don’t honestly remember. But I remember that Mary was in for nearly a year—probably one of the longest runs of any of the gals I have seen in the jail, as they are usually released, bailed out, or moved on to prison. She didn’t have anyone on the outside that cared about her. She never got any money put on her commissary account. She never got any visits or mail. But . . . she did get Jesus, and she did get hope! I couldn’t believe the transformation. This woman, who had been on a dozen medications when she came in—for everything from depression and anxiety to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder—no longer needed any medications. And she was more balanced and joyful than she had ever been. Even the guards marveled at what she had become. She was bringing some of them to Christ! I am not saying that coming to Christ will fix every medical or psychiatric problem. But I know he can work miracles! I saw him work a miracle in Soda Pop Mary. “Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.” Hebrews 13:3 NIV “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the LORD, “because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.” Jeremiah 30:17 NIV “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 NIV

The mirror in my bathroom had always portrayed a very confident, capable, accomplished, kind, Christian individual. (There is probably a reason they call it the vanity!) Yet at the jail I came to see that, in so many ways, I was not the kind, loving Christian I meant to be. Without realizing it, the women at the jail provided a mirror in which I finally came to see myself a bit more clearly. For so long, I spent my time with people who were like me, and they also reflected this confident, capable, kind Christian. I wanted to believe it, and so I did. I think it was a bit like the emperor who wore no clothes. Everyone around him told him they were such fine clothes, so he had no idea he was naked! In this fable, it was a child who said, “But he hasn’t got anything on.” These women at the jail didn’t exactly tell me I was “naked,” but as Colossians 3:12 became more real to me, I realized I had better make a change of wardrobe if I was to be clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience! It is not that these women necessarily confronted me directly or pointed out my flaws point blank. But rather, indirectly, they shared their experience with the church—with the Christians they had met—and I began to see myself through their eyes. It broke my heart to hear how we made them feel. How they felt unwelcome in so many churches, how they felt judged and unworthy. How they read of love and generosity and hospitality in the Bible yet had experienced none of this from those who called themselves Christians. It seems they didn’t care so much if we had served Swedish meatballs at the Fall Festival; their fridge was empty once again. It didn’t seem to matter if we had the most amazing talent show to raise funds for our mission trip to repair the orphanage in Jamaica; their pipes had frozen in their trailer on west 12th Street. They wouldn’t know anything of our warm welcome of the young couple that was doing mission work for Wycliffe in Papua New Guinea; we had made it pretty clear they wouldn’t be welcome in our little church with their tattoos and revealing clothes. I didn’t want it to be true . . . especially of me. I think I tried to wipe at the mirror, scrub off the steam from the shower. Surely this reflection of me wasn’t accurate?! But if I was honest, it was. I had been quick to judge, slow to love. I had thought I was somehow better than them. I had drawn lines, boundaries, inclusion/exclusion criteria. Who would be welcome, who would not. Not overtly, of course, but in my heart. In the book of James, we read, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (James 1:22–24 NIV). I have read this to mean that, if we look in the mirror and see that we have something stuck in our teeth, we don’t merely go on without doing something about it. We pick at it until we get it out! No one would just shrug their shoulders and move on, heading out the door with a chunk of food stuck in their teeth! And yet, how often do we do that with God’s Word? We do our Bible studies, learn all these things. But are we doing what it says? When it says love your neighbor . . . are we doing it? When it says to welcome strangers . . . are we doing it? When it says feed the hungry and clothe the poor . . . are we doing it? (Not, “Are we paying our taxes for social welfare programs?” The question is, are we doing it?!) I don’t know if we just skipped over some of the hard (convicting) passages—or if I was arrogant enough to think they didn’t include me. But it was like the scales had fallen from my eyes and there they were, staring me in the face. You see, I knew the verses about not drinking too much, about working hard, about fidelity, about gathering together, and about studying the Word. I was passing these with flying colors, which made it that much easier to point fingers at “them.” But then, there these passages were. It was as if they leaped off the page. The one from Ezekiel: “Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy” (Ezekiel 16:49 NIV). Ouch. That one hit pretty close to home. The one from Matthew: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 7:21 NIV). Yikes. It seems there is much more to it than simply claiming to be Christian. These, and so many others. Convicting, for sure. So, I am grateful for the mirror I found in those women at the jail. The emperor was no less naked before someone told him, and I was no less guilty before I looked into a more honest mirror. Like James infers, sometimes you need a mirror to see what you need to fix. I’ve got some work to do! “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12 NIV “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” James 1:22-24 NIV “Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” Ezekiel 16:49 NIV “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 7:21 NIV

It was a small group at the women’s jail, only four of them. While I used to count my success by how many attended, I have come to cherish the more intimate small groups. That's often when we can dig a little deeper. Little did I know that today, this group would be willing to go real deep. To share with such honesty and raw vulnerability that I was left, once again, acutely aware of how brightly the light shines in the darkness. It started with their simple question, “What verses tell us about how we can find hope?” By the end of the hour, I knew why they so desperately needed an answer to that question.   By God’s providence, we had "stumbled" upon a verse about hope in Romans with the previous group, just the hour before. So, I knew where we would at least start. However, the passage shares a difficult message. Difficult enough in privileged and blessed Christian homes . . . more challenging by far in the light of what these women had faced. Romans 5:3-4 shares that “ . . . we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  I went on to say how God could use even these hard times in their lives to shape them into something useful for his kingdom; that through these trials he was building their perseverance and character and that, in time, he could use the suffering to produce hope. And then they started to share their sufferings . . . One had been kidnapped, her captor telling her that she would either leave with him or in a body bag. The next had recently been raped, which she went on to describe in more detail than I wanted to know. Perhaps even more surprising was her trauma from it, because later she shared that there was a time in her life she had prostituted herself to make ends meet because she felt there was no other way. The third shared that she had turned to cutting, which she had hid from her family for three years—until it covered so much of her body she could no longer hide it. All of these women shared that at times they had felt so hopeless they had considered or attempted suicide. And I was trying to share with them that they should rejoice in their sufferings!   Wrestling With God   Even as I wondered how to help them make sense of that verse, the one who had been raped and prostituted shared yet another difficult issue to address. She said that she believed in God and everything, but she just didn’t believe in all the rules. She shared that since she was twelve, she had been in custody—incarcerated or in residential or treatment facilities . . . she felt as though she had never been free. Now she was at a place in her life where she  wanted to be in control for once! She didn’t want anybody telling her what she could do or couldn’t do or how she should act—including God. She wanted to have fun !    Recalling her account of her sufferings, I found myself gently asking her, “How has that worked out for you so far?” I went on to share what I had learned—if from the opposite end of the spectrum. I have learned that you don’t know what you don’t know. As I lived a very pious, religious life and enjoyed a nice home and a loving family, I thought I had it all! I thought what I had was "fun." And then God broke me to the point of surrender. I gave up control and let him in the driver’s seat of my life. At times I still try to grab the wheel! But I know now that life is far more exciting and rewarding with God in control. While I had been satisfied with "bread," God then let me taste "cake." I shared with that gal that her idea of "fun" was merely bread . . . God wanted to give her cake! I think so many have settled for "bread"—the things of the world that bring us temporary satisfaction, the best we know in our worldly striving. But once we have experienced what God truly has to offer—peace, joy, hope…in us and in others—that’s when we don’t want to settle for what we  thought was good, but rather for what God has called good. And as we give up our control, as we take that step of obedience, submit to his authority, we get to experience God in ways we never imagined possible. And that in itself can be addictive! We seek more and more of him, and we can’t help but tell others what we have seen and heard.   The Gentle Leading of the Holy Spirit   Sometimes I wonder why in the world God leads me where he does during these times of study, why that  scripture would come to mind, and this was one of those times. At first it seemed there was no way we could get from the suffering these women had experienced to finding hope through it! But God is good to provide all we need and as the women peppered me with questions I had verse after verse come to mind. We jumped throughout scripture, God’s word itself providing answers I never would have had on my own.   At one point, the same woman shared that she wanted desperately to be moved back into the dorms. She said she just couldn’t take being in "max"—where each individual got locked up in their own rooms at night. Downstairs in the dorms there was always noise, light, activity—at all hours of the day or night. There were always things to keep her mind busy, to keep her from dwelling on her sufferings. Why would God make her sit in a quiet, dark cell—alone with her thoughts? Immediately, the story of Elijah and his time in the cave came to mind. We went on to read the story in 1 Kings chapter 19. Elijah, a mighty prophet and a man of God, was running from those who wanted to kill him when he found himself hiding in a cave, all alone, mired in self-pity, confused and angry with God. God wanted to speak to Elijah and he wasn’t in the roaring wind or the mighty earthquake or the fire . . . he was just a still small voice. I said to her, “Could God possibly be telling you to stop running from those thoughts? That he wants to sit with you and tackle those issues . . . together? To deal with them and put them behind you?”    As we were wrapping up, the one with all the questions apologized for making us jump all over, but then I was able to point out that that is exactly how the Bible works! Every question we have can be answered in scripture. We need only to seek and we shall find, ask and it shall be given, knock and the door shall be opened unto us. They all nodded in agreement, marveling at the way their questions had been answered—through scripture, from Genesis to Revelation.    Sweet Surrender   The girl who struggled with cutting had been largely silent throughout all of this. She had come several times now and I had learned she had never believed in God, never really even opened a Bible. She had always appeared kind of quiet and reflective. She pointed out that normally she would be the loud, brash, know-it-all in the group (which I found hard to believe!). But then she said that she just loved listening to me talk. She was just soaking it all in! I assured her that I prayed they were not my own words, but those of the Spirit in me. That I was nowhere near wise enough to come up with the answers God’s word provided. She began slowly nodding and said, “I never wanted to be a believer. I never could see the need for it. But now I am starting to see that it is good. I think I am ready. I think I want to go all in! I think I want to let God be in control of my life!” We prayed, amongst many other things, that she might indeed surrender her life to Christ. That all of us would allow him to be in control. That he would not just be our Savior, but our Lord . As they went to leave, the air was lighter, the heaviness was lifted. There was light shining into their darkness. They left not only feeling heard and satisfied . . . but hopeful —even in the midst of such sufferings. Only by the grace of God!   “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4 NIV   “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.” 1 Peter 2:1-3 NIV   “But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”  John 14:26 NIV ". . . for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” Luke 12:12

The third of three boys, my youngest grandson is always trying to keep up with his big brothers, and he has more try than anybody I know. It started at a very early age, evident even as he began to learn to walk. Before his legs could keep up with his brain, he would trip and stumble and fall . . . repeatedly! But it never kept him down. Back up he would climb, trying again . . . and again . . . and again. The goose egg on his head was testament to his encounter with the corner of the coffee table. The bruise on his cheek came from the tile flooring by the patio door. Yet, despite all the failed attempts, the frustrations, the injuries, he kept on trying.   It was at this very time, as he was learning to walk, that I began my jail ministry. I had had a particularly rough week, feeling as though I was completely inadequate. I didn’t know how to answer their questions, I didn’t know enough Scripture, I still failed to love them unconditionally, I found myself judging . . . again. There was a voice in my head telling me to just give up! I was probably doing more harm than good. They would be better off without my visits to the jail. I was listening to that voice as I watched my tenacious grandson take a particularly tough spill and crack his forehead on the coffee table . . . again. As I watched him determinedly get back up, I heard another voice. It was saying,  “Get back up! Go back in. Just as he keeps getting better, you will get better too. Someday he will be running! So will you. Get up, my daughter.”  I’m not saying it was an audible voice. It was a whisper of the Spirit to my wounded soul. And with it came this dawning realization that I wanted to run!   I thought about what would happen if my grandson just gave up. I had this ridiculous image in my head of a 15-year-old crawling around the living room. Too timid to get up and try to walk. Too afraid of failure. Too afraid of getting hurt. What would he miss?! No tag, no baseball, no football. Can you just imagine him crawling down the aisle on his wedding day?! It seemed so silly, but without a little try—without persistence—that’s where he would end up.   Another dawning realization was that, for these many years in my spiritual walk, I had actually been crawling. I am so grateful for my little grandson’s unintentional witness. I resolved to keep trying. I would get better. I might fail. I might “crack my head on the coffee table.” But I would just get up and try again. I didn’t want to miss out on what God had planned for me. I wanted to run!   “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36 NIV    “ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” Hebrews 12:1-2a NIV   “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  Romans 5:3-4 NIV   “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:14-15 NIV