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In this fruitful season of waiting, I continued to wonder what God had in store at that Christian camp. I decided to go speak to someone there—you know, to give them a heads up on God’s plans! With no director on staff yet, I ended up speaking with the administrative assistant who greeted me with a bright smile and a welcoming presence.   We sat at some tables next to a big bank of windows overlooking the beautiful rolling hills and trees. As we settled in with some introductions and small talk, she told me about how you can often see eagles there (God wink!). And then, I began to pour my heart out. She listened intently as I shared all that God had been up to—well, I couldn’t share everything that God had done, but even the highlights provided enough evidence that something far beyond "coincidence" was going on here. I shared that I had not sought out this position, but rather that it would seem God had brought me to it! How God had been working and pointing me to the camp. How it seemed that I was to perhaps help with the horse ministry, if not more. That even though I had not been considered for the director position, it would seem clear that I was to be involved with their ministry in some way . . .     When I wrapped up, she leaned back and said, “Well, I have so many things going on in my head right now. First of all, as I listen to you speak, it occurs to me that you should be a speaker of some sort! Your story is so inspiring! I hear so often that people don’t hear from God, they don’t see him in their life, they find themselves wondering where he is. It is so refreshing and inspiring to hear from someone who sees God so clearly in their everyday!”    She went on to say, “And it’s funny that you should come today . . .” (This always smelled like breadcrumbs!) “We just offered the position to an individual yesterday, so I can share his name with you.” He had been pastoring a small church in Iowa and his denomination was currently considering his resignation. She went on to say that perhaps I could meet with him to see what his thoughts were on the matter.    I set about to do some research and tracked this man down on the internet. I found the website for the church he served and a link took me to the church newsletters. I opened the most recent one, wondering if perhaps there would be an announcement that he had accepted the position at the camp. Scrolling to the Letter from the Pastor  page, I began to read. What would I learn about this man who had been called to be the director? This man whom I felt sure that I would be working with. . .  The letter shared of a trip that he and his wife had been making across the state, when they got a call that his father was doing poorly. Unsure of whether they should continue on or return home, he writes about the moment he looked up to see an eagle soaring in the sky!  He went on to share the passage from Isaiah about soaring on wings like eagles—the same verse God had put on my heart. Coincidence? I think not.   I did end up arranging a meeting with this man (indeed, I had become quite accustomed to acquainting myself with strangers!) and came to learn that he loved horses, too! That his family had been instrumental in establishing an arena for their local riding club. That he had a heart for the broken and that he believed that horses could be an amazing tool to bring hope and healing for those who need it most. Coincidence? I think not.    While l wouldn’t be the director, I did begin to work with the camp. Initially, I was hired as a consultant to share vision about how the horse ministry could be expanded and serve even more people. I was then brought on as a part-time employee—initially working 10 hours a week, eventually up to 20 hours a week.   I think there are many who wondered what my role really was there . . . perhaps the director and other employees included! Some thought I had come to raise funds, others to develop the horse ministry, yet others had absolutely no idea. I was a strange camp employee. I spent most of my time off site—doing jail ministry, going to various institutions that served people from hard places, attending conferences on trauma, developing collaborations with other ministries. In my defense, the job description the director and I came up with had started with: Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. So, from my base at the camp—my office in a janitor’s closet! (I guess the Lord was still trying to peel my pride from clenched fists !) —I went wherever the Spirit led. Getting used to the idea of not having people’s approval or acceptance. Getting used to having people look at me like I was crazy. Getting used to seeing God move in the most amazing ways! Even as I wandered on my Spirit-led sojourn, as people wondered when I would begin "working": . . . God showed up with a half a million-dollar pledge  for the horse ministry! I hadn’t asked anybody for it.  But I had been  praying about it!   “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 NIV   “Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.” John 16:23b-24 NIV   “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32 NIV   “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” John 15:7 NIV

In this time of waiting, I found myself in the coffee shops once again. In biblical times, the well was a place of communal gathering—some have called coffee shops the modern well. I enjoyed the smell of roasting coffee beans and the peaceful ambience as I saw people turning the pages of their bible and overheard muted conversations about Jesus. I, myself, was working on a Bible study in one of the comfy chairs by the fire at my favorite coffee shop when I was joined by one of my dear friends. I call her my "cool drink of water." When I felt dry and parched, she would bring encouragement that was like a glass of cold water on a hot day. How often her sweet words of encouragement had given me the strength to carry on. Today was no exception.    It was such a confusing time. There was the possible horse ministry . . . the creation ministry . . . the job at the camp . . . or not? It was just so confusing. I don’t remember what all was said, but I know I was left refreshed and rejuvenated. I could continue to wait on the Lord another day. As we stood to say our goodbyes, I do remember standing there, halfway to the door, receiving her hug and sharing some final thoughts.    “I don’t know where God is leading, but I do know that if I continue in horse ministry, it can’t be about the horse. It seems like such a slippery slope. So often it becomes all about the horse and God is sort of pushed out the back door . . .” I bemoaned the fact that, as I had been out in the community promoting HorsePower, I was expected to use the tagline: "the power of the horse to heal." I just couldn’t continue to espouse that—I knew  who had the real power to heal. I finished by saying, “Whatever ministry I step into, God needs to get all the glory.” She agreed wholeheartedly and, with a final hug, we parted ways.   Returning to the Bible study I had set aside, the second verse I was to look up was Psalm 33:20. After finding Psalm 33, I ran my finger down the page to find verse 20. The last verse on that page was verse 17, so with my finger resting on it I went to turn the page to continue my search when my eyes took in the words my finger was pointing to . . . something about a horse. Interesting. I went on to read it in its entirety , “A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save.” I kid you not. Just a few short minutes after my conversation with my friend, God pointed out to me in scripture precisely what I had just stated! A verse I don’t remember seeing before. A verse I never would have sought out on my own. Yet, there it was, jumping off the page at me. How much more specific could it have been?! It was, quite literally, precisely what I had just shared.   Eager to see what verse 20 said, I turned the page to find, “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.” Goosebumps were raised on my arms and the hair stood up on my neck. This was no accident, no coincidence. This was God in heaven affirming what I had just told my friend. You are getting this right, daughter! This is the way, walk in it!  The horse would not be the one to save these broken and hurting people. While a useful tool and an effective therapy, the horse was merely that—a tool. It was God that would heal, God that would save! I was resolved, now more than ever, to put my hope in the Lord. To wait on the Lord. Whether my ministry ever used horses again, or not.    “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV   “To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Philippians 4:20 NIV   “A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save.” Psalm 33:17 NIV   “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20 NIV

In the midst of a season of waiting in the fog, unclear of where God would lead next, there were a couple instances where God prompted me to reach out to someone. Just send a text, give them a call. They were gentle, yet persistent nudges that didn’t seem like a big deal. He wasn’t asking much of me—it would have been easy to miss them, ignore them, to simply say  no . But even in these simple steps of obedience, God would show up in some pretty amazing ways.   The God of Angel Armies   My brother has had a long and hard struggle with addictions of almost every kind. Watching God work in his life has been one of the most powerful impacts in my faith walk. The Bible talks of being "made new." I watched it happen to my brother. By the grace of God, he was walking victorious over the power of alcohol and drugs and gambling.   In his newfound freedom, he chose to testify in the sentencing hearing for the drug dealer he had distributed for. On the morning he was to testify, I knew it would be a scary deal and that he may be feeling a bit anxious. So, before I started my volunteer work at my church, I sent him a simple text of encouragement, “Speak the truth in love.” His response affirmed that he was indeed feeling anxious and frightened. I responded with the next thing that came to me, “The God of angel armies is always by your side.”   I was helping one of the pastors that morning, and I shared with him that I would need to leave around 10 a.m. to be with my mom while my brother testified in court. I thought that I was at peace with it all, but I did find myself checking the clock frequently, a little anxious about the whole thing and how the morning would go. As I was writing events on a giant wall calendar, my back was to the pastor as he worked quietly at his desk. Suddenly, I heard him singing—quietly, but clearly, “The God of angel armies is always by your side”! Nothing before, nothing after, just the one line of the chorus. The one I had sent to my brother just a short time before!   Now, I had never heard this pastor sing at work before, or since. And there are a lot of songs, even if you narrow it down to praise and worship songs, and many lines within that one song. So, what were the odds that he would sing that line, out loud, right after I had sent a silent text just moments before with that very same line? It is things like this, coincidences (not!), that have helped me see that there is a God above. And he just keeps getting bigger.   The very next day, a dear friend came to see me with her newborn—a precious baby boy that I would be blessed to become the godmother of! As I held him, sleeping in my arms, he suddenly squirmed and twisted up his little red face—whimpering and on the verge of crying—as though he was having a bad dream. Instinctively, I reached to gently stroke his cheek, softly caressing his baby-soft skin. Reassuring him that he was not alone, that I was right there with him. As quickly as his distress had arisen, his peaceful slumber resumed.   It was in that moment, that I realized that that was precisely what God had done for me the day before. As I began to fret and stew over my brother’s predicament, the God of heaven reached down to gently stroke my cheek. Reassuring me that I was not alone, that he was right there with me. In that moment, I knew that God cared deeply for  me . He saw me, he knew me, he loved me. That’s pretty personal.   WOW!!   Another time, as I was doing my morning devotionals and spending time with the Lord, a woman’s name kept coming to mind. She had been a volunteer at HorsePower. We had certainly gotten to know each other a bit and enjoyed each other, but I would not say we had become friends. We hadn’t spent time together outside of her volunteer service at HorsePower. And I wasn’t even with HorsePower anymore. Why did she keep coming to mind? I felt like I should call her, but that was weird, right? What would I even say? And what would she think of a call from me at 7:30 in the morning . . . out of the blue? I can remember arguing with God a bit.  Why in the world would I call her — and at this hour?  He was persistent.  Well, that’s just awkward. I do have her number in my phone, but I don’t even know if it’s right for me to call her for any reason other than HorsePower related calls .  . .  The nagging feeling remained. I finally agreed to compromise.  Well, okay, God. But I am going to text.   So, at 7:30 a.m. on a random weekday morning, I shot a text off to this volunteer—from my old job. I texted something like, “Good morning! I just wanted you to know that you have been on my heart this morning as I am spending some time in prayer. Hope things are going well with you!” There. I had done it.   It wasn’t but a few seconds when my phone’s text alert went off. I opened the text to find her response:   WOW!!! You wouldn’t believe where I am. I am in the emergency room with my son. He is going to need to have an emergency appendectomy! And my ex just showed up and things are getting really tense. I was losing it. I didn’t know how I was going to handle all this stress and then you sent that text.   Again, wow! I  wouldn’t  have believed it. No wonder God had wanted me to reach out to this woman! I am so glad that I put aside my “weird” filter and just went ahead and did it. Both of us got to see how amazing God is! He saw her in her struggle and asked one of his daughters to reach out and give her some encouragement. Warms my heart in a really reverent kind of way. This was one of many ways in which God was teaching me to just say yes—even if it does seem weird. Or inconvenient. Or hard. Or impossible! When we obey, we get to see God. I wish I would have called her, rather than chickening out and texting. I wonder what our conversation would have looked like! But God still used it, my half-hearted yes. He was building my faith and my desire to respond to him—even in the little things. Now, I wanted to wade in deeper. Until I was  all in ! Little did I know what lay ahead.   “Then Micaiah continued, “Listen to what the Lord says! I saw the Lord sitting on his throne with all the armies of heaven around him, on his right and on his left.” 1 Kings 22:19 NIV   “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” Psalm 8:3-4­­ NIV   “Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who­­ loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”” John 14:21 NIV   “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” John 14:16-17 NIV   “For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. 2 Peter 1:21 NIV

Early in the season of waiting, shortly after leaving HorsePower and as I was still wondering what might come of the apparent call to the Christian camp, a friend mentioned an apologetics ministry that I should know about. Now, for those who are unfamiliar with the term, apologetics comes from the Greek word apologia . It is not  making apologies for our faith, but rather it is making a reasoned defense  for our faith. My friend had lived for some time up near the Twin Cities in Minnesota, where this apologetics ministry had been flourishing for nearly forty years.    While I knew it wouldn’t hurt to look into it, the Cities seemed a bit far for close collaborations—it was about a four-hour drive. I was busy with my volunteering, and perhaps a little deaf to his call.  In the end, I never did reach out to them. I walked right past that breadcrumb. Then, one day, my husband asked me to take his hearing aid in to be looked at. He said the volume knob was kind of poking out, and he hoped to have it fixed before it really broke.    When I took it in, they told me they could take a look at it right away, could I wait? I had time—after all, I was waiting —so   I took a seat in their lobby. On the coffee table in front of me lay a copy of our local newspaper. I never read the paper. But the front page was folded poorly and sort of propped up . . . with the front-page photo almost staring me in the face . . . with a headline that grabbed my attention:  Father’s Heroism Ends in Tragedy. I picked up the paper and started to read.   The photo was of the founder of that same apologetics ministry . . .  His son had drowned in a tragic accident as he attempted to save his own son from the currents along a rocky California coastline. While this man’s grandson was saved, his son was not. It was a tragedy indeed. I also learned from the story that in the years that had passed since my friend had met him, he had apparently moved to the Sioux Falls area—his house was only 16 miles from mine! Clearly, this was not the time to impose upon him, but I certainly took note. Seemed like God had wanted to make sure I knew.    I was noticing that—that if I missed one breadcrumb, he would often lay down another. It was ironic that I had been sitting in a place that sold and repaired hearing aids. Seems as though my husband wasn’t the only one who was hard of hearing! The other little piece of irony . . . there was nothing wrong with my husband’s hearing aid. That "volume knob" that was poking out was the stem that you used to pull the hearing aid out of your ear. My husband had had that hearing aid for years. I shouldn’t have even been in that store.   Turns out this man and his wife not only moved to my area, they attended my mom’s church and, after a time of grieving and healing, he was going to be doing a teaching series over the course of the summer. I decided to attend and introduce myself. I came to find out that he had been praying for a Timothy! Someone to pour into who may carry on his ministry as he moved towards retirement. The Siouxland Region was formalized not too much later, and we began to address how and where I would be doing my apologetics ministry.    This gentleman had been very successful in getting into churches and sharing with congregations and small groups, putting on conferences and the like. We decided to take a similar approach in the Siouxland Region and went about starting conversations with a number of local churches . . . without too much luck. With my experience in research and with a local hospital, we started a conversation about how to carry this message to some of the doctors and medical professionals in town . . . without too much luck. However, don’t ever sell God short. As I shared earlier, in this time of waiting , God had strategically placed me as a volunteer at my church and at a prayer ministry. It was in those appointed places that the doors flew open for me to carry this message—the gospel with evidence—into the county jail and the behavioral health center. The opportunities would grow to include the juvenile detention center, halfway houses, sober living homes and more. Isn’t it just like God, to find a way to reach the least and the lost?  To carry the light into the darkness . . .   “But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and covered their ears.” Zechariah 7:11 NIV   “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Psalm 43:19 NIV     “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” Matthew 25:40 NIV   “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10 NIV   “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5 NIV

Confident in the Lord’s leading, I submitted my application for the director position at the Christian camp, and waited. For my interview. For the offer. But neither ever came. It was a Friday when I received the letter in the mail bearing the camp logo . . . I wasn’t even considered for an interview. I will have to admit, I spent Saturday in quite a funk. I could hardly believe it! How could this be possible? I kept looking at the plaque I had bought for our home office with Isaiah 40:31 painted over the picture of a soaring eagle. Had I heard God wrong . . .?   I had learned through my experience at HorsePower that, even if God leads you there, the going wasn’t always easy. In all fairness, the Bible warns that following Jesus won’t  be easy. Scripture says that we must pick up our cross and follow him—and after seeing The Passion  and its graphic depiction of Jesus’ crucifixion, "picking up our cross" took on a whole new meaning! Yet, the Bible also promises that God will go before us and will always be with us. And, in this particular case, I was reminded over and over that we could soar on wings like eagles. If only we waited on the Lord, he would be the wind beneath our wings.   On Sunday morning at our new church home, the pastor started a new sermon series called . . . The Waiting Room! He went on to say, “Maybe you find yourself in a season of waiting . . . maybe between jobs . . .” My husband was elbowing me in the ribs. It was as though the pastor was speaking directly to me. And then for the next slide, the picture of a soaring eagle . . . and Isaiah 40:31! The same verse God had put on my heart as I watched that eagle soar over the rolling hills of the Christian camp. The pastor was emphasizing the importance of waiting  while you wait— serving. Another breadcrumb, for sure. I was on the right path. I just had to wait.   So, I waited  while I waited. I volunteered every Monday morning at the church, where I would type the prayers that people submitted on Sunday. And I began to volunteer at a local prayer ministry, where I spent an entire afternoon each week in prayer with some of the most amazing prayer warriors I have ever met! While my friend from Topeka, KS had taught me the passion of prayer, these women taught me the power of prayer. I was learning that God is always at work, even when we don’t realize it. Teaching us, shaping us, battering us into something useful for his kingdom work.    As only God could orchestrate, during this season our new church began its jail ministry. Because God had me strategically placed at the church on Monday mornings (through what I had seen, initially, as rejection by the camp), I began to type the prayers of the people in the jail. And God began to break my heart for what breaks his. Maybe 5% of the average church attenders sought prayer, while probably 95% of the folks in the jail begged  for prayer. Their masks were off! And through these prayers, I began to see deeper and deeper into this world that I had previously only had glimpses of. Assumptions and stereotypes I had long held were challenged, judgments I didn’t realize I made were being exposed. These were broken people. Hurt people who hurt people. People  who loved their kids, loved their families, but were caught up in the cycle of poverty, neglect, abuse, addiction. People who wanted something different—who desperately wanted God. And he was making a way for me to bring them the gospel. In time, I would begin a weekly Bible study with the women in the jail.   Again, as only God could orchestrate, during this season the prayer center began to send prayer warriors in to pray with people after chapel at a local behavioral health center. As they went to pray with these people, they found they had SO many questions—questions even the prayer warriors didn’t feel equipped to handle. They were asking scientific questions, philosophical questions . . . hard  questions. Because God had me strategically placed at the prayer center, these women knew my heart to share the gospel with evidence. The director of the prayer center approached me, asking if I would be willing to help out with the behavioral health center’s spirituality groups. Would I share in the unique way that God had gifted me . . . the same way that he had reached me. Doors were opened that had previously seemed closed. I began to bring the Good News—with evidence—to people hungry  for the truth.   “…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31 NIV   “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”” Matthew 16:24 NIV   “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been alled according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 NIV   “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,” Ephesians 1:11 NIV

These "coincidences" (not!) seemed to be happening more often. Or at least I was noticing them now. I had been part of a Bible study by Henry Blackaby called Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God and it had been life changing! While I had believed God was real and that the Bible was truth, I don’t think I had really expected God to show up—today . . . here and now . . . to me. I knew he worked in the lives of the people in the Bible—but that was the people of the Bible, more than 2,000 years ago. I was in complete denial that the Creator of the Universe actually had plans for me! And I had no idea how personally he would work in my life to make those plans clear . . . if he could only get my attention.   Looking back, I could see that these strange coincidences and timely promptings were like a trail of breadcrumbs that I could follow through the woods and the heavy undergrowth of this crazy world. I came to realize that if I was obedient to pick up the breadcrumb, I was blessed to see the hand of God—direction, confirmation, affirmation, provision. And I became ravenous for bread crumbs! Every day was like an adventure, mission impossible—made possible with God.   So, feeling certain that God was directing me towards apologetics and creation ministry I did meet up with that woman —from Canton, whom I had met in Kentucky. She returned the creation materials she had borrowed nearly ten years earlier and we talked a lot about where life had taken us since we first met. I shared how God had called me to HorsePower and how we had sold the farm and moved to town. It turns out that she had also felt called to leave her job as a nurse and, as she had said, they were in the process of moving, too. God had been using a time of unemployment to allow her time to meet with him, to read, to visit, to explore spiritual things. We visited easily and it seemed clear that she was led by God and seeking him. I found myself grateful for her yes to God. That she had gotten off the hamster wheel in time to be obedient to his call and to make that call to me . . . out of the blue, nearly 10 years later.    As we parted, I didn’t know if I would see her again, but a few months later I received another call . . . would I be willing to meet for another cup of coffee? I agreed and we decided to meet at a local café.   When I arrived at Laurie’s Café, she was already there, waiting at a table with a dog-eared sketch book in front of her. Our initial visiting was more stilted than last time—it seemed that both of us were eager to get to what had brought us together again. I asked her, “So, what did you bring with you?” She fingered the edges of the sketch book and said, “I will have to go back a ways to start to explain all this.” I settled in with my cup of coffee, looked like just my kind of conversation!    She started out by saying how there had been a Christian camp that had been near and dear to her heart for some time. My ears perked up when it became clear that it was the same camp I had just visited — the one I had been at when she called!  Her mother had worked there for more than 20 years and she had spent a lot of time there growing up. Apparently, a couple years earlier, about the time God nudged her out of her nursing job, she had started to envision a creation center at this same camp . What?! Was I hearing her right? I looked at this woman across from me in an Angry Birds hat with tinsel pom poms, and hot pink and black striped, fingerless gloves, red lipstick slightly askew. I left my heart open to hear her words and let her share what God had put on her heart. She went on to show me the sketch book. It was filled with sketches and pictures and notes about what this creation center might look like. She shared that she felt certain that God had plans for that place. That it would be an amazing place of spiritual influence and outreach. Reminding myself that she had no idea that I had just been there, touring the lodges she showed in the pictures, I sat quietly and let her finish.    She said once again how this camp had meant so much to her—and that things were changing. Her mother no longer worked there, the Program Director had left, and now (wait for it . . .) it appeared the Executive Director position was open! She had seen it in the paper and she had made a copy of it. She had been praying over the open position, for God to bring just the right person and then . . . she said, “I can tell you where I was sitting and everything about that moment.  It just popped into my head . . . Kaia.” She showed me the cut-out photocopy of the job posting—with my name written across it in pink highlighter.   I was nearly crying by then. I said, “Now you need to know the rest of that story . . .” I proceeded to tell her how I had gotten a call from the director the day my resignation from HorsePower had gone public.  How I had gone to visit with him about the horse camp, and he had ended up saying perhaps I should be praying about the Executive Director position that might be opening up sometime in the future. And then I told her how I had left there so confused, praying to God to tell me what this all meant. And that that was when I had received her message—as I drove away from the camp. She had my creation materials and she thought I might be needing them. Wow! The tears just started to roll down my cheeks, right there in Laurie’s Café.     Was God really doing something big at this camp? Could he possibly be combining both the creation and the horse ministry that he had asked me to do? Was he really weaving together all the pieces of my life and could this possibly be one of the works he had prepared in advance… for me ?! The words out of my mouth were, “But I don’t want this job!” And then, not too much later, I said sheepishly, “I guess Moses said that, too, right?” I looked at her, sitting across from me in her Angry Birds hat and striped gloves. She was a bit like my own John the Baptist, who in his camel hair clothes and wild hair and locust diet announced God’s plan and prepared the way. God had laid the opening before me once already and I had said, “No, thanks." Whether out of confusion, disbelief, rebellion, or whatever, I had said no. It looked like he was asking me again . . . and I was pretty sure I couldn’t say no. I looked at the application deadline. It was the first day after my last day at HorsePower.   After our time at Laurie’s, I just had to drive out to the camp. It was only about six miles from my house! I pulled into the long, curving driveway and parked at the base of the hills. My eyes were drawn immediately to an eagle, gracefully soaring over a valley. Somehow, I felt a sense of peace as I remembered bits of a Bible verse about soaring on the wings of eagles. My eyes turned to the west and I saw the three crosses on the hillside. I couldn’t help but think that Jesus had not wanted his assignment either, but he had prayed, “Thy will be done.” I felt a resolve in my soul that I would try to be obedient to God’s calling—no matter what it looked like, whether it looked like what I thought it should look like or not. Thy will be done.   My husband and I were up late, visiting about what God seemed to be so plainly revealing to me.  It was a great conversation and my husband was so supportive and so open to God’s will—I think he may have been glad it wasn’t a call to Syria or Africa!   “Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”” John 14:21 NIV   “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 NIV   “Jesus looked at them and said,  “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”” Matthew 19:26 NIV   “But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”” Exodus 4:13 NIV   “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 NIV

On the day my resignation from HorsePower would become public, I received a very interesting phone call. It was from the director of a Christian camp, just over the border into Iowa. He was wondering if I knew of anyone who could help run their summer horse camps. My mind was racing . . .   Seriously, God? I thought you were asking me to give up the horse thing? But then, this was a Christian camp, we could pray and call on his name there . . .   But God, the director isn’t asking me, he doesn’t even know I am leaving HorsePower. But God did . . .   I thought I was supposed to start preaching the gospel with evidence? Oh, why was this man calling . . . and today, of all days?!   It seemed like a pretty big coincidence, and I no longer believed in coincidences. Still, I threw out every name I could think of, besides my own, and then I finally said, “You know, I am actually resigning from HorsePower . . . ” He responded, “I think we should have a cup of coffee.”   Over our cup of coffee, we had a great visit about the camp, their horse program, what I had been up to. Then he took me on a tour of the grounds, which included the area set aside for the horse camp—beautiful rolling hills, covered with oak trees, an outdoor riding arena, a picnic shelter, fire pit, and these adorable covered wagons that served as the bunkhouses for the campers. If I was supposed to be moving on from the horse thing, this was certainly an attractive distraction.    Our tour proceeded and when we finished up at the last building, we sat and visited in the car. The director looked at me and said, “Okay, I’m being pretty transparent here but maybe this is something that you should be thinking about. I am 68, soon to be 69. While I don’t want to retire, I need to be thinking about it. Considering your experience and your gifts, maybe that is something you might want to consider?” My head was spinning now. The horse thing was maybe a little tempting, but director of this whole big camp?! I was a scientist, for Pete’s sake! I could barely manage a $250,000 annual budget and this was more like $3 million. I politely told him I would pray about it, but in reality, I had pretty much already decided . . . no.   I left the camp and found a place to park at the base of the hill where I could sort of look over the entire grounds. I found myself praying, “God, what are we doing here? I thought you wanted me to pursue the evidence-based teaching, to help restore the authority of scripture, to help put a firm foundation under people’s faith? What is this whole horse camp thing? And the director thing?! I don’t know what you want me to do.”    I pulled away and glanced at my phone, which I had silenced during our visit. There was a missed call. As I listened to the voicemail, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. There was a woman’s voice saying, “Hey Kaia! You might not remember me . . .   We met a long time ago at the creation conference? You loaned me some materials. We are moving and I just came across them. I was wondering if you might be needing them?” It was the gal that was my "chance" meeting in Kentucky—nearly ten years prior . Looked to me like God was saying we were going to be doing some apologetics ministry! I hung a right at this proverbial fork in the road, leaving that camp in the rearview mirror . . .  or so I thought.    “ I lift up my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2 NIV   “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” Psalm 32:8 NIV

We raised our kids on a little hobby farm and, amongst many other kinds of animals we kept on the place, there were my precious horses. From a very young age, I have absolutely loved horses. I never thought of them as an idol, but as I grew in my faith it became clear: these creatures captivated my heart, my mind . . . they consumed my time, my finances. In many ways, horses had taken the place in my heart that should have been reserved for God.  When we moved to town as I began my ministry in earnest, we found homes for all the horses we had at the time except for my horse, Levi, who moved to my daughter’s farm. However, within a year or so of leaving the farm, all of them were gone. Not just gone, but dead. The last to go was my big, black gelding. Several years later, I was taking a class on Ezekiel at a local seminary and it occurred to me that all my "idols" had been "struck down." The loss of Levi was especially graphic and painful, occurring right before my eyes. And so, the dream I had came with especially powerful emotions.    In this dream, I went to check our horses that had been out to pasture and which I had, honestly, not been checking on as often as I should have. As I approached a pasture, which was not really the one we had had in real life but was ours in the dream, several horses began to emerge from the trees and shrubs. They were our horses, the ones we had had at the farm. I remember in particular that Spanish and Levi came out together—not surprising as they were buddies in real life. But when Levi came out, I could tell right away that something was terribly wrong.  First of all, he was saddled and bridled! And it wasn’t my tack. Why was he saddled? And whose tack was it anyway? And then, it got even worse. I could see he was not right. He was sluggish and slow to move. He had the inward-turned gaze of a horse in great pain. He wasn’t very aware of anything going on around him—all his attention was tuned in to whatever was causing such pain. As he came closer, the horrifying truth was evident. He was gutted—slit clean down the middle of the belly from front to back. There was no way he could have been alive, let alone walking, in real life. And yet, he staggered out.   As I awoke, it was very clear to me that Levi represented God’s Word. John 1 tells us that Jesus is The Word and Jesus is God. So essentially, what I had been idolizing in life represented what I should have been idolizing all along. Not just in words, but with every fiber of my being. Just like I had failed to be looking after my horses in my dream, I realized I had not been looking after God’s truth either. I was a church attender who infrequently read my Bible, when it was convenient, looking for the parts I wanted to hear that would help with whatever I needed at the moment.  Now, after leaving my job for the second time and as I was starting to really dig into God’s Word and realizing how the world was seeing and/or portraying God, the imagery in the vision made perfect sense. As a culture, even as a Christian community, we have been adding things that we want to believe even when God’s word doesn’t say it—thus the strange tack being "added." Furthermore, God’s truth in many ways has been essentially "gutted." We have ripped out the parts we don’t like or don’t understand.  The state of my beloved horse in my dream was precisely what we were doing to God’s sacred Word. Adding and taking away parts as though we have any right or authority to do so. Indeed, scripture warns us that we are not to add or subtract from His commands. And yet, if we look at our culture today, this practice is rampant. I have come to call it the "Mister Potato Head" god—people pick and choose parts like it was a toy to play with. While scripture teaches that the gates of hell will not prevail against God’s church—what I saw in my vision with the weak, sickly, staggering horse could very well represent the state of the organized church/religion in America . . . weak, sickly, and staggering.    “…your altars will be laid waste and devastated , your idols smashed and ruined, your incense altars broken down, and what you have made wiped out.” Ezekiel 6:6b NIV   “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1 NIV   “Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you— guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.” 2 Timothy 1:14 NIV   “Do not add to what I command you and do not subtract from it, but keep the commands of the Lord your God that I give you.” Deuteronomy 4:2 NIV   “I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll.    And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.” Revelation 22:18-19 NIV

We had weathered the Great Recession at HorsePower and so many things seemed to have fallen into place.  Some tough transitions on the board had been smoothed over.  Donors had been faithful and seemed pleased with how things were going.  Programs were expanding and new ones were being added.  Most importantly, riders’ lives were being changed by these wonderful programs—including our new mentoring program.  It was a fruitful season in many ways.  So why, then, this gnawing discontent?!  Holy discontent ?  Was God trying to pry this from my hands, too?  I thought I had been called there?  I was so confused.   Back on the Hamster Wheel   While I had left science fully intending to follow God, I’m afraid somewhere along the way I grabbed the reins again.  Even though he had provided in so many amazing ways—leading me to HorsePower and arranging for a twenty-year lease on an entire horse facility (for twenty dollars!); providing a tractor, a parking lot, and $30,000, completely unsolicited—I still seemed to think that I was in control!  It was like the Israelites wandering in the desert.  God had parted the Red Sea and rained manna and quail from heaven, yet they longed for the cucumbers and leeks they used to get in Egypt.  They wanted to go back to Egypt, where they had been slaves.   Even as God had proven so faithful in providing, I found myself striving.  We would spend hours planning special events like banquets and silent auctions and benefit horse shows—at the expense of our programs, our very mission…and even our relationships.  I found myself back on the hamster wheel, running as fast as I could and yet not really getting anywhere!  I had filled my time with busyness and no longer seemed to be hearing from God.  The weight of keeping this dog and pony show—well, literally, a pony show—running was falling heavily on my shoulders.  If I had stopped to compare the fruits of our labors with the generous gifts of God, I may have spent less time begging businesses to donate auction items and more time in prayer!  But I just kept running on the hamster wheel…   Idols and Addictions   Since leaving my career in research, my husband and I had made a move into town.  You don’t make quite the same salary as the director of a nonprofit as you do as the CEO of a biomedical company.  So, we had sold the acreage that we loved and that held so many memories of our kids’ growing up years.  We had given away all of our horses, with the exception of my gelding.  In less than a year, one by one, each of the horses we had given away had died—rather suddenly.  And just that summer, my own horse—my only horse—had died of colic, right before my eyes.  God had wrested my beautiful acreage and even my beloved horses from my clenched fists.  Idols.  Struck down.  Had I held HorsePower too tightly, as well?  Over the five years I spent there, had I lost sight of God and made it about me?  My  ability to form collaborations, to find volunteers, to raise funding.  I’m afraid so.  Like an alcoholic that goes into a bar, I can quickly be consumed by my own addiction—my desire to achieve, to accomplish, to be recognized, to be in control.  I had relapsed!  I knew it was time to leave.  So, leave, I did.  It only took about six months this time.  And I had no idea what was next.  All I knew was that the realization that so many were leaving the church had relit the fire for helping restore the authority of scripture.  Perhaps this would be part of God’s plan for me…   “This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man,who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”” Jeremiah 17:5-8 NIV   “Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 2:11 NIV   “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and ean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV   “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

She was sitting alone on her cot in the fellowship hall—Bible open on her lap. As we had worked that day, providing disaster relief following devastating tornadoes in Oklahoma, I noticed she was often alone then, too. Realizing she was the only woman who had come from her church, I wondered if she might be a little lonely. I left the group of women I had come with, including my grown daughter, and went over to strike up a conversation. I opened with what seemed like a simple question, “So, what are you studying?” Her response would profoundly impact me and still ripples to this day.   Raw Confession   She was doing a study on the book of Hosea. I wasn’t terribly familiar with this particular book at the time, but it is about a man that was asked by God to marry a prostitute—and to stay with her, even as she had numerous adulterous affairs. She would wander off, and he would keep taking her back. The parallels between her infidelity and Israel were apparent—how Israel kept chasing after the gods of other nations and how God kept taking her back. The parallels to our own idolatrous infidelity were apparent, as well. But what struck me was not this story in the Bible, but this woman on the cot.   She shared details of her past, including all the ways she had denied and run from God—all the tawdry details. Things I, honestly, would have kept safely behind my mask. She shared more about her background, how she had never known her father—he had left once he found out her mom was pregnant. Her mother blamed  her  for losing this man—the “love of her life.” She shared how her mother mistreated her and failed to love her well, so her grandparents raised her in Mexico. When she was twelve, her mother called for her to live with her in Topeka, KS—ripping her from the only home she had ever known. She shared how her mother still failed to love her well—leaving her desperate for love and acceptance. How she ended up pregnant as a teenager—and would have three boys by the time she was 19. How the father had left her—alone. And how, in a darkness she could not find her way out of—she had planned to end her life.   During this animated conversation, my daughter had made her way over to join us. By this time, both of us were in tears. I struggled to see why so much hurt could be allowed in one young life. My trials paled in comparison. Sitting there with my daughter, who at that time had two little boys of her own, I couldn’t help but feel thankful for the loving legacy of the family we had been blessed with. The other thing that struck me was this woman’s vulnerability. We had only just met, and she was sharing so deeply, peeling back the layers and laying it all out there for us to see. I come from a long line of mask-wearers. You didn’t air your “dirty laundry.” You put on a nice front and pretend that everything is wonderful. When people ask you how you are doing, you always say, “Fine!” or “Great!” I sometimes wonder if we feel as though true Christians shouldn’t struggle—as if admitting your life wasn’t perfect is like admitting you must not really be a Christian. But this woman was here before us, airing her “dirty laundry.” The next part of her story helped me understand why . . .   Beauty from Ashes   A coworker at the daycare she worked for always asked her to come to church with her. She had always declined, wondering how there could be a loving God if her life had been so hard. Luckily, this coworker was persistent—and God is good! He could use this, even this, for good. At the end of her rope, this young woman had decided to give this God a chance. After all, what could it hurt?   So, she accepted the invitation to go to church, and, they welcomed her with open arms. They invited her to participate in a life group, they prayed with her and for her, the pastor poured into her, and other believers began to walk with her . . . it was the beginning of her transformation. She received Christ, and she was made new!   Sitting here on a cot in a church basement, this woman shared the darkest parts of her life because only then could we really appreciate the light radiating from her as she spoke! I don’t know if I had ever met anyone who loved Jesus so much. She knew who she was and what she was before. And she knew what God had done for her—even when he knew her darkest secrets, too.   Powerful Lessons from a Humble Servant   And then there was the way she prayed! I hate to admit it, but we had a few rote prayers we would religiously say before meals and before bed—but I had never seen anyone pray with such emotion, depth, and insight. She didn’t say she would pray for me—she  prayed  for me! Grabbing my hands and praying, right out loud, with an intimacy and fervor that left me wishing I knew God that way. This woman didn’t have much in earthly wealth, but she had Jesus! And I found myself a little jealous . . . in a good way . . . in a way that left me hungry for more.   As we said our goodbyes, she asked if we could exchange phone numbers. I am ashamed to admit this, but a part of me thought she would just be asking for help with this or that. I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but I am  so  glad I said yes. It turns out the one that really needed help was me. We would start a morning prayer time that would last for years. We have both grown so much, strengthening our faith together—iron sharpening iron. Taking turns encouraging and lifting up the other as life took its twists and turns. While miles would separate us, there was a closeness that I have achieved with few others. We came from such different worlds; our skin color was different, our background was different, our families were different . . . but we both loved Jesus with all our hearts. And that’s the tie that binds.   Maybe most importantly, she has taught me the power of vulnerability. It is an admission of our inadequacy—that we are not enough without Christ. It opens the doors for true relationship. Who wants to air their “dirty laundry” with someone who looks like they have it all together? It is a testament to our surrender—that Jesus is not only our Savior but our  Lord . It reveals the dead bones behind the white-washed tomb—so that people can actually witness the new life that springs forth! So, when God gives you the opportunity to let your light shine, don’t hide it under a bushel. Be vulnerable. The light shines so brightly against the darkness.   “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9–10 NIV   “[B]ut I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?” Romans 7:23–24 NIV   “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 NKJV   “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16 NIV   “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:14 NIV

So, it looked like it was time. Time for Chrysalis. God had brought down manna and quail so I could take the steps necessary to form Chrysalis. And I could do it without worrying about where a paycheck might come from. Without worrying about pleasing a boss or a board. Without trying to meet anyone’s expectations. Just chasing after God with all my heart. I began to dream about what it could look like, what it should look like. What kept coming to mind was, well, everything. I envisioned a home where the women could live safely in a nurturing and supportive environment. A workplace where they could have gainful employment while still being loved and encouraged. And a barn where horses could be used to help bring healing. A place to live, a place to work, a place to heal. I was meeting with people, looking into potential real estate, telling everyone who would listen about this dream of mine. It probably took at least six months to actually receive the deferred compensation from my old job in research—the one I had quit ten years earlier. My husband and I walked in faith that we had heard God right. Even as our credit card maxed out and our ready reserve that was attached to our banking account dwindled until it only had about $100 left in it (defying everything Dave Ramsey had taught us!), we walked in faith. And then it came . . . the week before everything shut down at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. The week before the doors closed to almost all my ministry opportunities. The week before I was shoved out of everything comfortable and familiar . . . once again. It was enough to cover all the debt we had incurred with enough left over to cover the next six months. So, as we all hunkered down, wondering what the future would look like and if we would ever get to go out in public without a mask again, I continued to try to hear what God was saying and to dream about what Chrysalis might look like. A board began to come together and we filed the state incorporation papers. We had just recently filed for nonprofit status, when one of the board members mentioned a co-worker, whose wife was wondering if we might be interested in applying for a grant from the community fund at her place of work? It was no small surprise that it was the same community fund God had dropped in our laps at HorsePower as one of those first unprayed answers! Coincidence? I think not. By the time the board member asked me and we got back to this woman, she had actually gone ahead and filed on our behalf—getting information from our website, which we had just completed. She just had a couple questions. She needed a project budget and she needed proof of our nonprofit status. Darn, we had only just recently filed. It would likely be months, even up to a year before we would hear. She regretfully informed us that they would not be able to consider our application. We had to have the letter from the IRS. That weekend, I received a letter in the mail . . . from the IRS!! Chrysalis had been approved as a nonprofit . . . in less than a month ! It was almost unheard of. But somehow , we got approval just in time to be considered—and ultimately awarded—a grant that we had not known about, that we had not applied for, and that we had not even been qualified for ! Signed at the bottom . . . Love, God. To God be the glory. So, with that providential gift, we were able to begin in earnest. We decided to rent houses for some of the women God had placed in my path. The first was for a family. The second was for a mother and her grown daughter—which also served as our Chrysalis headquarters, of sorts. We were about to rent a third, for a couple, when the upper management of the rental agency we had been using seemed to catch wind of what we were doing. Turns out, they didn’t rent to “those kind of people.” My heart sank. It was one of the first of many obstacles Chrysalis would face. But the biggest obstacle was probably . . . me. In the months to follow, there were some beautiful moments, to be sure. But I was definitely wrestling with the old man in me. Paul’s word in Romans 7 about the war that wages within us—flesh vs. spirit—became truth to me. “So I find this law at work: although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.” Romans 7:21-23 NIV Rather than offering truth in love, I seemed to be focused on setting and attaining goals. Rather than providing encouragement, I was establishing curfews and consequences. Rather than extending grace, I was busy judging behavior. It wasn’t that they shouldn’t be following curfew and working towards goals . . . it was the way I was going about it, and what it was doing to me. I’m afraid I began climbing up to my pedestal, once again. And from there, to look down on these women God had sent me to love. What a wretched woman am I! Thank God for Jesus! “So I find this law at work: although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.” Romans 7:21-23 NIV “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Romans 7:24-25 NIV

I can still see her—one foot in the car, one foot out. It was such a hot day and the heat coming in battled the cool from the air conditioner. It wasn’t the only battle going on. Things had gotten heated before the door was ever opened and her instinct was . . . run! It had become clear that she had no idea how to handle conflict and time and again—in our relationship and probably every other one in her life—she just avoided conflict all together. Run. Even if it meant giving up the relationship.   But then, that’s what everyone else had done in her life. Her mother had abandoned her at the age of three. Her father had never been there. Family had brought dysfunction and abuse. Friends had stayed only as long as there was something in it for them. So, the fact that only one foot was out of the car, I considered a win.   I was proud of her really, she was staying. She was saying some of the things that were on her heart. She was fighting for this relationship. I wanted desperately for her to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I would stay. Even as she said things that were hurtful and, sometimes, mean-spirited, I stayed. And, honestly, I probably needed to hear some of those “hurtful” things she had to say. I thank God that he has put women in my life who have been brave enough to be honest with me. She wasn’t the only one who needed to change.   I think the comments she hurled were something like, “Oh, sure, Kaia! You’re right. You’re always right. White is right and I’m just a messed-up Indian. You make me feel like such a project. I know it makes you feel good to “help poor me” but, honestly, you just make me feel like s**t!!”   Ouch! Part of me wanted to run at that point. Just put ‘er in gear and pull away. I didn’t need to sit there and take such abuse! But . . . maybe I did. Thank God, he had been working on that whole humility thing. On that vulnerability thing. On that you’re not really perfect yourself, Kaia, thing. I stayed. I cried . . . we cried. But we laid some things on the table that really needed to be looked at.   She was right. It was true—and we have to get to a place where we can admit it. In many ways, I did consider her a project. And it did make me feel good to “help.” I thought I was better and that I could fix her. What I was coming to realize was that I  was not better, but Christ was better. That she didn’t need me or my wisdom. She needed God and his wisdom. She wasn’t my project. She was my friend. But, somehow, without realizing it, my “helping” was actually hurting.   In another conversation, same friend (we have had a few heart-to-hearts along the way!), it was my turn to vent some frustrations. I wish we could all be mature enough to discuss the hard things without the heat of emotion, but so often that is when the hard truths come to light. I don’t remember the straw that broke the camel’s back but, once again, she was calling . . . only because she needed something. It seemed like that was the only time she ever initiated in the relationship—when she needed something. I tried to show grace. I tried to show unconditional love. I tried to remember my trauma training—that because of her background she operated in survival mode. She had a lifetime’s experience of “using” people, because that was how she had made it this far. But, that day, it just sort of came out.    “You know how you said it feels like I treat you like a project? Well, some days I just feel like a pawn. Somebody you can just take advantage of. You only call when you need something. It feels like you ignore me in between. Do you even like me? Are we friends? Or am I just a taxi service and hand-out?” Even as I said it, I wished I could take it back. But then, maybe it was something that she needed to hear. Maybe, like me, she needed someone in her life who would speak truth, be honest about things. I am pretty sure we both cried again that time. I thank God for the gift of tears. It isn’t lost on me that we are the only thing in his creation that cries. But in those most vulnerable of moments, when hard truths were shared, in the tenuous balance between fight or flight . . . I think tears kept us both in the game. I think tears revealed the deep love we had for each other. That our relationship was worth fighting for. And so, we stayed. We talked though this struggle, of being project or pawn. Where did we go from here? What did we need to do? How did we move on? How did we get beyond this, now obvious, hurdle in our relationship?    We haven’t gotten it figured out yet. I wish I had more to share on that. Maybe someday, down the road. But then, maybe just seeing the hurdle is the first step. The willingness to overcome, together. To figure out how to get over it or around it, together. I think staying is the first step. Because the easy thing is to run. But the best things in life are never easy.   “If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.” Luke 6:29 NIV   “Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.” 2 Timothy 2:10 NIV   “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV