Spinning a Chrysalis

So, it looked like it was time. Time for Chrysalis. God had brought down manna and quail so I could take the steps necessary to form Chrysalis. And I could do it without worrying about where a paycheck might come from. Without worrying about pleasing a boss or a board. Without trying to meet anyone’s expectations. Just chasing after God with all my heart.

I began to dream about what it could look like, what it should look like. What kept coming to mind was, well, everything. I envisioned a home where the women could live safely in a nurturing and supportive environment. A workplace where they could have gainful employment while still being loved and encouraged. And a barn where horses could be used to help bring healing. A place to live, a place to work, a place to heal. I was meeting with people, looking into potential real estate, telling everyone who would listen about this dream of mine.

It probably took at least six months to actually receive the deferred compensation from my old job in research—the one I had quit ten years earlier. My husband and I walked in faith that we had heard God right. Even as our credit card maxed out and our ready reserve that was attached to our banking account dwindled until it only had about $100 left in it (defying everything Dave Ramsey had taught us!), we walked in faith. And then it came . . . the week before everything shut down at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. The week before the doors closed to almost all my ministry opportunities. The week before I was shoved out of everything comfortable and familiar . . . once again. It was enough to cover all the debt we had incurred with enough left over to cover the next six months.

So, as we all hunkered down, wondering what the future would look like and if we would ever get to go out in public without a mask again, I continued to try to hear what God was saying and to dream about what Chrysalis might look like. A board began to come together and we filed the state incorporation papers. We had just recently filed for nonprofit status, when one of the board members mentioned a co-worker, whose wife was wondering if we might be interested in applying for a grant from the community fund at her place of work? It was no small surprise that it was the same community fund God had dropped in our laps at HorsePower as one of those first unprayed answers! Coincidence? I think not.

By the time the board member asked me and we got back to this woman, she had actually gone ahead and filed on our behalf—getting information from our website, which we had just completed. She just had a couple questions. She needed a project budget and she needed proof of our nonprofit status. Darn, we had only just recently filed. It would likely be months, even up to a year before we would hear. She regretfully informed us that they would not be able to consider our application. We had to have the letter from the IRS. That weekend, I received a letter in the mail . . . from the IRS!! Chrysalis had been approved as a nonprofit . . . in less than a month! It was almost unheard of. But somehow, we got approval just in time to be considered—and ultimately awarded—a grant that we had not known about, that we had not applied for, and that we had not even been qualified for! Signed at the bottom . . . Love, God. To God be the glory.

So, with that providential gift, we were able to begin in earnest. We decided to rent houses for some of the women God had placed in my path. The first was for a family. The second was for a mother and her grown daughter—which also served as our Chrysalis headquarters, of sorts. We were about to rent a third, for a couple, when the upper management of the rental agency we had been using seemed to catch wind of what we were doing. Turns out, they didn’t rent to “those kind of people.” My heart sank. It was one of the first of many obstacles Chrysalis would face. But the biggest obstacle was probably . . . me.

In the months to follow, there were some beautiful moments, to be sure. But I was definitely wrestling with the old man in me. Paul’s word in Romans 7 about the war that wages within us—flesh vs. spirit—became truth to me.

“So I find this law at work: although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.”

Romans 7:21-23 NIV

Rather than offering truth in love, I seemed to be focused on setting and attaining goals. Rather than providing encouragement, I was establishing curfews and consequences. Rather than extending grace, I was busy judging behavior. It wasn’t that they shouldn’t be following curfew and working towards goals . . . it was the way I was going about it, and what it was doing to me. I’m afraid I began climbing up to my pedestal, once again. And from there, to look down on these women God had sent me to love. What a wretched woman am I! Thank God for Jesus!

“So I find this law at work: although I

want to do good, evil is right there

with me. For in my inner being I delight

in God’s law; but I see another law at

work in me, waging war against the law

of my mind and making me a prisoner

of the law of sin at work within me.”

Romans 7:21-23 NIV

“What a wretched man I am! Who will

rescue me from this body that is

subject to death? Thanks be to

God, who delivers me through

Jesus Christ our Lord!”

Romans 7:24-25 NIV