Stalled Out

Well, a half million-dollar pledge will certainly get people’s attention. Suddenly, my almost covert operation at the camp became front and center. The staff and the board were taking notice, beginning to believe that perhaps this expansion of the horse program could actually come to pass. Maybe that crazy lady in the janitor’s closet was on to something! There was the good and the bad in this. I was glad to be taken somewhat seriously, but I knew I had to be careful not to let it become about me or what I could accomplish. It was great to have the board’s interest and support, but they quickly wanted to jump to conventional means of fundraising. Even as I tried to remain spiritually alert and prayerful . . . they began the process of hiring a development director.

Sometimes I fear that we have Americanized ministry. That we have put common sense business practices in the place of fervent prayer and radical obedience. I’m afraid we have put God in a box. While we may hear from God, initially, we so often resort to our own capability and self-sufficiency. Present company included. So, we see a lot of well-run organizations . . . we don’t see too many miracles. I think of the verse that tells us of how Jesus failed to do many miracles in his hometown, because of their unbelief. I had fallen back to my old ways before, at HorsePower. I didn’t want another “relapse.” Oh, how I longed to let go and let God! But familiar paths are so easily followed, the ruts are deep. With barely a nod to the unsolicited, effortless gift of half a million dollars, they began to strive.

At one point, as I shared with the board, I implored that they wait on the Lord and not move without God’s clear leading. I reminded them of the story of Abraham and Sarah. Impatient with God’s timing and lacking faith that he could provide a son through her, Sarah had given Abraham her handmaiden, Hagar, so that she could provide him with a son. While that union did result in a son, Ishmael, this was not the son God’s promises would come through. In time, Sarah did eventually bear a son, Isaac, through whom the promised Messiah would come. However, Ishmael’s line became a great nation, as well—one with whom the Israelites have been at war with, to this very day. Our impatience or impertinence can have serious consequences.

One day, prior to a meeting with the director, the word “smote” came to my mind. What kind of word is that, anyway . . . smote? It was more than a word, but a phrase, “smote the rock.” While I kind of knew it was biblical, and I had a vague familiarity with the Old Testament story it might have come from, I had to Google the phrase. It was indeed biblical, King James version. I didn’t even have a copy of the King James version. It was the story in Numbers, chapter 20, where the people of Israel were once again complaining about having no water to drink. The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Speak ye unto the rock before their eyes; and it shall give forth His water.” But when Moses had gathered the people, he said, “Must we fetch you water from this rock? . . . and with his rod, he smote the rock twice.” Moses was not only disobedient, failing to do it just as God had commanded—he took the glory for himself. I shared this with the director, again, imploring him that we wait on God’s timing. That we be as obedient as possible so that HE may receive all the glory—not us! Moses and Aaron never entered the promised land. Our impatience or impertinence can have serious consequences.

It would seem that they were tiring of the crazy lady in the janitor’s closet. They didn’t heed my warnings and they proceeded going about the fundraising and promotion just like any new program . . . or business . . . They failed to raise any other substantial funds for the horse ministry, other than a few small donations totaling around $5,000. They seemed oblivious to the fact that God had raised a hundredfold, with no striving.

I was really struggling. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to operate the way I felt we needed to in the present environment. I didn’t know how I could stay on . . . but I didn’t feel released to go! It was a really hard time. I think I had to buy a few extra tubes of mascara, again. I would have called it holy discontent, but the call there had been so profound. I didn’t know what to do.

At one point, I was so frustrated. It felt as though as soon as I started to move on something, the director would step in to take over, yet failing to make any progress himself. It reminded me of when I took my driver’s license exam—the second time. You see, I had gotten my license at fourteen (my parents got tired of driving me out to the barn to see my horse!). So, at sixteen, although I had already been driving for two years, I took Driver’s Education to get the discount on my insurance.

The final driving test was a mere formality, then, since I already had my license. I was going through all the motions, easily passing each step. As we went to pull out into traffic, I may have “shot the gap” a bit. I knew I could easily slip into traffic—apparently the instructor was not quite so sure. Probably used to brand new drivers, he was worried that I wouldn’t be aggressive enough to merge into traffic. In a panic, his foot shot over to the gas pedal with the intent to gun it. In doing so, my foot was pushed off, his was not on, and we stalled out. Luckily, we did not get hit and we didn’t cause any accidents! But I did fail my exam. That’s how I felt with the horse ministry. My foot was shoved off the gas pedal, his was not on, and we were stalled out. They weren’t willing to simply pray and trust God, yet their fundraising efforts were going nowhere. We were stalled out.

I thought perhaps maybe I could serve as the director of the horse ministry—collaborating with the camp and its board—while the director remained in charge of the camp itself. I would be free to respond to God the way I felt called . . . Perhaps that would get things moving? This suggestion apparently did not go over well with the director. I was met by him and a board member at our next meeting. They informed me that there were “insufficient funds” to keep me on during the upcoming budget year. I was, effectively, dismissed.

I remember heart-wrenching sobs coming from deep within. Could someone be fired from a calling? I was so confused . . .

“The prayer of a righteous person

is powerful and effective.”

James 5:16b NIV

“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne

him no children. But she had an

Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she

said to Abram, “The Lord has kept

me from having children. Go, sleep

with my slave; perhaps I can build

a family through her.” Abram

agreed to what Sarai said.”

Genesis 16:1-2 NIV

““Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch

you water out of this rock?

And Moses lifted up his hand, and

with his rod he smote the rock twice;”

Numbers 20:10b-11a KJV

“As you do not know the path of the

wind, or how the body is formed

in a mother’s womb, so you cannot

understand the work of God,

the Maker of all things.”

Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV