Crippling Kindness

The woman was wearing more than one shirt—way more than one shirt! I could see the different neck lines and multiple shirttails poking out from under the jean jacket she had managed to squeeze over top of all of them. In fact, she had on so many layers, and the denim was stretched so tight, she couldn’t even bend her arms! She looked like a slightly more stylish, adult version of the little brother in A Christmas Story as he bumbled down the sidewalk in his puffy snowsuit crying, “I can’t put my arms down!” It made me chuckle and it made me curious . . .  what in the world?! But then I realized, she was in distress. And she wasn’t alone. Behind her there were others, so many others. Unable to bend their arms, they were not able to feed themselves. They were not able to hold their babies. They were dying . . . 

As I awoke at 2:30 in the morning, shaking the fog of sleep from my brain, I was thinking, “What a strange dream! Why were they wearing so many shirts?!” It didn’t take long for the main message to become clear—the clothing was the welfare system. In an attempt to be generous and kind, we give them one free thing after the other: food stamps, diapers, clothing, housing, medical care . . .  the list goes on. They wear welfare like the layered shirts, each given with good intentions, yet crippling them in the end. 

Layer after layer of “welfare” immobilizes them to the point they are completely dependent on others. In the end we rob them of their work ethic, the satisfaction of a job well done, the pride of providing for their families . . .  their dignity. The family is broken—fathers walk away in shame disguised as wild living; children are removed from parental custody to protect them from those who were to be their protectors.

God designed us to work, to be productive and fruitful—even before the Fall in the Garden of Eden. Squelching that in the human spirit inevitably leads to loss of a sense of self-worth, which leads to depression, which leads to hopelessness, which—far too often—leads to self-medication, numbing the intolerable pain and hopelessness with drink or drugs. Like falling dominoes, the welfare system can unwittingly initiate the cascade from poverty to all-consuming addiction.

We give them so much free stuff they forget how to work—

they are not able to feed themselves.

Welfare cripples to the point they lose their children—

they are not able to hold their babies. 

Lack of purpose and self worth sends them spiraling into addiction—

they are dying.

Wayward Welfare

I couldn’t get the image out of my mind. So, I lay there, tossing and turning for the next three or four hours, wrestling with the dilemma of a broken system and how best to help. The bible is so clear, after all: we are to help the poor and the needy, to help the widows and the orphans! All of these programs—government led or Christian ministries—were designed to help these vulnerable populations. So, where had we gone so wrong? Why doesn’t welfare work? 

I thought again of the layers of shirts, each one given with such good intentions. But, think about it, if someone gave “a shirt” to a person “in need,” it would be a nice thing. But if it is done through anonymous transactions, they don’t realize that someone else has already given them “a shirt.” They don’t know if that person is really “in need,” maybe they could get their own shirt. The system is abused, intentionally or not, and little by little the layers are added and, ultimately, they can’t bend their arms! Crippling kindness. 

It seemed logical that we simply strip them of all those layers in order to free them. Remove welfare! But then, those muscles that had gone unused—in many cases, for generations—were weak and atrophied. Their work muscles and their parenting muscles would need to be strengthened before they could effectively use them. It was funny because, as I lay there pondering all these things, I recalled a random conversation from the day before.

My grown son had been tubing behind the boat with our grandsons and, apparently, they were pretty impressed with his grip strength. How could he hang on so tightly as the tube careened out of control behind the boat?! His answer was that he had an adjustable hand grip exerciser—a tool that allowed him to work on his grip strength as he watched TV or whatever. When the task got easier, he could make an adjustment on the tool that made it harder, gradually increasing his grip strength over time. Similarly, there would need to be a means to gradually increase those work muscles and those parenting muscles . . . 

And I think that’s where we might come in, as Christians.  One thing that had become increasingly clear to me along my journey was that we—as the church, as the body, as the hands and feet of Christ—have left our post. We have relegated the care of orphans and widows, the most vulnerable in our community, to the government or to nonprofits and Christian ministries. When we see someone in need, we justify looking the other way because, after all, we have paid our taxes—there’s a welfare program for that! We pride ourselves in the fact that we have donated to this cause or that organization. We can wash our hands of their plight and go on our merry way with a clean conscience. At times, in self-righteous ignorance, we can even swing to the other side of the pendulum, justifying that they deserve the harvest their idle hands and their wild, reckless living have sown . . . and do nothing. In reality, these are both easy outs that don’t solve the problem. I’m afraid ministry is messy, and we are as good at finding ways to preserve our comfortable lives along with our conscience as they are at finding hand-outs. 

Help That Helps

As Christians, we are called to love our neighbor—and that includes the poor, the widow and the orphan. But it looks different than programmatic, transactional welfare. These people do need food and shelter, to be sure. But perhaps even more so, they need loving relationships. They need unconditional, even undeserved love. God’s form of welfare looks more like a meal . . . shared around a table, like a bed . . . in a guest room. More challenging, for sure! I can relate to the easy out of writing a check to a food bank or local shelter. As it turns out, our hospitality and generosity muscles are as weak as their work and parenting muscles. Looks like we all need to go to the gym! Or perhaps, back to the bible . . .    

As we begin to flex those generosity and hospitality muscles, it’s important to remember that God’s form of kindness and generosity doesn’t always look like one might expect. It might not even look kind or generous! There needs to be discernment on how to help and when to give. Help doesn’t always come in the form of money—it may be sharing wisdom or taking time to teach. Help doesn’t even always come in the form of help. Sometimes, allowing them to struggle through challenging times—even as we love them and encourage them—allows them to work those muscles and make them stronger. It allows them to realize they can do it! 

Rolling over in bed, again, as my husband continued his snoring beside me, another memory bubbled to the surface. (It always amazes me how God can weave what seem to be just normal, everyday conversations into his lesson plans for me!) As we had spent time together over the Labor Day weekend, my son-in-law shared a story about something he had posted on the internet. He had shared a video of our youngest grandson struggling to climb up onto Pancho, their big ranch horse.  With some resourcefulness, impressive upper body strength, and sheer determination, he managed to climb aboard.  Sitting tall in the saddle, he looked proud as a peacock about it, too.  However, his expression changed quickly when his dad pointed out that he had forgotten to untie the horse!  He would have to get down and do it all over again . . . 

Apparently, there were literally hundreds of comments on the post that berated my son-in-law for not helping my little grandson get on the horse.  They were especially aghast that he had not bailed him out and untied the horse for him.  I fear it is indicative of our culture, in many ways, and our approach to welfare, for sure.  You see, my son-in-law wasn’t being mean…he was cultivating character.  My grandson was learning resourcefulness and ingenuity, building strength, learning to overcome challenges, to persevere.  He was allowed to experience the pride of accomplishment . . . and to suffer the consequences of poor planning.  I bet he remembered to untie the horse the next time he went to get on!

Now, if my grandson had been smaller or weaker, he may have needed some help getting on, and his daddy would have been more than willing to provide it.  But my son-in-law knows his son and knew he could do it if he put his mind to it.  Maybe if we form relationships with our neighbors that struggle (even if the “neighbor” lives in a different neighborhood on the other side of town), we would begin to know them.  Know them well enough to know when they need a little boost into the saddle or when they just need someone to believe in them and give them a little encouragement.  Because I have seen firsthand what the welfare system does to the human spirit, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  I would love to love them in a way that allowed them to ultimately sit proudly in the saddle, reveling in their accomplishment and ready to take on the next challenge—even if it meant suffering the consequences of some of their choices. 

The Generous Generation

The welfare system is entrenched in our culture, and I’m afraid we may not be able to simply strip it away.  There are those who have become so reliant on it that to do so would leave them weak and vulnerable.  So, what is the answer?  I’m sure there is no simple solution, but I have come to envision what I call the Generous Generation.  We will need Christians who are ready to help in a way that helps.  To be willing to give—even as they are already giving in the form of taxes or donations, even if it is “undeserved”—in order to give folks who are trying to learn how to be independent a little boost into the saddle.  To be willing to say no once they become strong enough to do it on their own—even if it looks like a mighty struggle.  To offer wisdom and to take time to teach—when writing a check would be so much easier.  To love their children with them, showing them a better way of parenting—rather than simply doing it for them.  To know them well enough to know what will actually help—empower rather than enable.  May God grant us wisdom and discernment as we exercise our own underdeveloped generosity and hospitality muscles!  We all have a lot of work to do as we take the reins back from the government on this issue of “welfare.”  But, as a horse lover speaking from experience, I hope we all can get in that saddle and begin to run, feeling the wind on our face and the power beneath us.  What an exhilarating ride! 

I hope that one day, I have a sequel to this strange dream—and that this one actually comes true . . .    I dream of a day where all those extra shirts have been stripped away and those currently in bondage have been set free—they are once again feeding themselves, and holding their babies.  A dream where they are not only living, but living the abundant life offered through Jesus Christ.  I pray we can choose the messy, hard work of ministry—making disciples of all nations and teaching them to obey all God’s commandments—rather than settling for crippling kindness.

“John answered, 'Anyone who has two

shirts should share with the one who

has none, and anyone who has food

should do the same.'”

Luke 3:11 NIV

“For I was hungry and you gave me

something to eat, I was thirsty and you

gave me something to drink, I was a

stranger and you invited me in, I

needed clothes and you clothed me, I

was sick and you looked after me, I was

in prison and you came to visit me.’

Then the righteous will answer him,

‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and

feed you, or thirsty and give you

something to drink? When did we

see you a stranger and invite you in,

or needing clothes and clothe you?

When did we see you sick or in prison

and go to visit you?’

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you,

whatever you did for one of the least of

these brothers and sisters of mine,

you did for me.’”

Matthew 25:35-40 NIV

“And we urge you, brothers and

sisters, warn those who are idle

and disruptive, encourage the

disheartened, help the weak, be

patient with everyone.”

1 Thessalonians 5:14 NIV

“For even when we were with you,

we gave you this rule: “The one who is

unwilling to work shall not eat.””

2 Thessalonians 3:10 NIV

“Anyone who has been stealing must

steal no longer, but must work, doing

something useful with their own hands,

that they may have something to share

with those in need.”

Ephesians 4:28 NIV

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have

chosen: to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke, to set

the oppressed free and break every

yoke? Is it not to share your food with

the hungry and to provide the poor

wanderer with shelter—when you see

the naked, to clothe them, and not to

turn away from your own flesh and

blood? Then your light will break forth

like the dawn, and your healing will

quickly appear; then your

righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord

will be your rear guard.”

Isaiah 58:6-8 NIV