En Garde

Sunday nights were usually our Freedom Ministries at church—recovery groups and a service for those with “hurts, habits, and hang-ups.” From grief counseling, to divorce care, to addiction recovery, the group was truly there to find hope and healing and their gatherings were some of the most genuine “church” I have ever been a part of. On this evening, it was a church-wide praise and worship service, but many of the usual Sunday night attenders were there.

The first person I saw as we approached the church was a friend of mine, who I met at the jail. She ran to give me the biggest hug ever! As we entered, I spotted another friend who had been working on recovery for the past eight years—mentored extensively by a friend of mine who, like me, had not struggled with addiction herself. I went to get a hug from her, but I could tell as I approached that not all was well. When I asked her how she was doing, she admitted—not well. And then the tears began to fall, and a litany of her struggles began to pour out. I just gave her another big hug and asked if we could grab a coffee the next day, to which she quickly agreed.

The next day, we had about a half-hour window between when she got off work and when she had to pick up her daughter from daycare. We indulged in the sweetness of some decadent cupcakes as we jumped right to the heart of matters. We quickly made our way through a couple items from her litany before landing on that thing which God had made plans for. She shared how she and her long-time mentor and friend had just been struggling lately. There were so many times where her mentor said things that, although well-intentioned, cut deeply. Things that were probably truth, but how they were said . . . when they were said . . . wounded her to the very core. Her AA sponsor had suggested she should “put up healthy boundaries” and maybe even end the “toxic relationship.”

As so often is the case, even as I came to bring wisdom and counsel, I found myself the recipient of wisdom and counsel. I needed to hear her words—perhaps more than she may have needed to hear mine. She helped me see myself through the eyes of those whom I go to serve. I was able to help her see her mentor through my eyes—another one who didn’t really understand addiction, who stepped on toes without ever meaning to. I gained insights into how to love better. She gained insights into why her mentor may do things the way she does. At one point, I asked her if she knew how much her mentor loved her. She began to weep. Oh, yes, she knew how much she loved her. 

Of all the people who were at that service that evening, I was just the one that could help her see that, in spite of the misunderstanding, the hurtful words, and the stepped-on toes, this relationship was founded on love. It wasn’t “toxic.” It may be messy—most relationships are! But it was most certainly worth fighting for. I assured her that her mentor needed her just as much as she needed her mentor. That her mentor was in need of as much grace and forgiveness as she may be. We need each other. There are so few who dare to cross the bridge across societal and cultural divides. To go there often enough and stay there long enough to truly get to know those on the other side. To dally in the middle where we can learn so much from each other and bring the best from both worlds. Iron sharpens iron. Sometimes we can get wounded in the process. But the battle is worth it, for when our wounds heal we are braver and stronger and wiser . . . and we love so much more deeply. En garde!

“Whoever would foster love covers

over an offense, but whoever repeats

the matter separates close friends.”

Proverbs 17:9 NIV

“Be completely humble and gentle;

be patient, bearing with one

another in love.”

Ephesians 4:2 NIV

“Be kind and compassionate to one

another, forgiving each other, just

as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:32 NIV

“As iron sharpens iron,

so one person sharpens another.”

Proverbs 27:17 NIV