Relapse

We had weathered the Great Recession at HorsePower and so many things seemed to have fallen into place.  Some tough transitions on the board had been smoothed over.  Donors had been faithful and seemed pleased with how things were going.  Programs were expanding and new ones were being added.  Most importantly, riders’ lives were being changed by these wonderful programs—including our new mentoring program.  It was a fruitful season in many ways.  So why, then, this gnawing discontent?!  Holy discontent?  Was God trying to pry this from my hands, too?  I thought I was called here?  I was so confused.

Back on the Hamster Wheel

While I had left science fully intending to follow God, I’m afraid somewhere along the way I grabbed the reins again.  Even though he had provided in so many amazing ways—leading me to HorsePower and arranging for a twenty-year lease on an entire horse facility, for twenty dollars; providing a tractor, a parking lot, and $30,000, completely unsolicited—I still seemed to think that I was in control!  It was like the Israelites wandering in the desert.  God had parted the Red Sea and rained manna and quail from heaven, yet they whined about the cucumbers and leeks they used to get in Egypt.  They wanted to go back to Egypt, where they had been slaves.

Even as God had proven so faithful in providing, I found myself striving.  We would spend hours planning special events like banquets and silent auctions and benefit horse shows—at the expense of our programs, our very mission…and even our relationships.  I found myself back on the hamster wheel, running as fast as I could and yet not really getting anywhere!  I had filled my time with busyness and no longer seemed to be hearing from God.  The weight of keeping this dog and pony show—well, literally, a pony show—running was falling heavily on my shoulders.  If I had stopped to compare the fruits of our labors with the generous gifts of God, I may have spent less time begging businesses to donate auction items and more time in prayer!  But I just kept running on the hamster wheel…

Idols and Addictions

Since leaving my career in research, my husband and I had made a move into town.  You don’t make quite the same salary as the director of a nonprofit as you do as the CEO of a biomedical company.  So, we had sold the acreage that we loved and that held so many memories of our kids’ growing up years.  We had given away all of our horses, with the exception of my gelding.  In less than a year, one by one, each of the horses we had given away had died—rather suddenly.  And just that summer, my own horse—my only horse—had died of colic, right before my eyes.  God had wrested my beautiful acreage and even my beloved horses from my clenched fists.  Idols.  Struck down.  Had I held HorsePower too tightly, as well?  Over the five years I spent there, had I lost sight of God and made it about me?  My ability to form collaborations, to find volunteers, to raise funding.  I’m afraid so.  Like an alcoholic that goes into a bar, I can quickly be consumed by my own addiction—my desire to achieve, to accomplish, to be recognized, to be in control.  I had relapsed!  I knew it was time to leave.  So, leave, I did.  It only took about six months this time.  And I had no idea what was next.  All I knew was that the realization that so many were leaving the church had relit the fire for helping restore the authority of scripture.  Perhaps this would be part of God’s plan for me…

“This is what the Lord says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man,

who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns

away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush

in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes.

They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,

in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the one

who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are

always green. It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.””

Jeremiah 17:5-8 NIV

“Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”

Ecclesiastes 2:11 NIV

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own

understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he

will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and

learn from me,  for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV